Why can't emotions just have an off switch?
This is kinda hard as sometimes I am just fine, other times I am in total collapse. I have been reading the boards for a little while trying to see if I could pinpoint my problem. I have always been an anxious person, sometimes to the point that it makes me sick or just a shaking mess. Also never had a lot of feelings of self worth. So I never had any close friends and not many girlfriends. Usually feeling like I got what everyone else didn't want as none of the ones I would like would possibly like me. So theres a dose of depression in there too.
Several months ago I met a really great girl and things really went well. I was flying high. She was everything and I really felt like this was the one. The one I really liked and liked me enough to put up with me. So then the anxiety problems started. I would get these terrible scared feelings with no focus. Like if you have to give a speech and you are nervouse you know what you are nervous about. These feelings had nothing attached. Just scared. Only thing I found was to drink (alchohol) until my head shut off. I didn't think that was right so I finally went to my family doctor and tried to explain it. He gave me a light prescription for Xanax (0.25mg, half a pill when I need it) and it has helped that problem immensely. I feel it coming on, take a half pill, problem solved. Just a little dry mouth, small price.
Then in the last few weeks I find my girlfriend wants to see other people. Her old boyfriend has come back into the picture and she is meeting him for a day at the beach. I was upset for the first day but then when the weekend comes and I am alone I go into full collapse. I mean sitting in bed crying and rocking and just coming unhinged. I took several doses of the Xanax (I was already taking much less than the max dosage on the bottle daily, but it was a little more than max this time, not by much). That just made things worse as its designed to slow things down and I was already depressed. So I started drinking and finally fell asleep (more like passed out I guess). The rest of the weekend went about the same.
Now we aren't done as a couple. I still talk to her regularly and I see her view now. I work with her so I can see her whenever I want to. Things might still work out but now they are no longer at the level they were at. I wanted that level of a relationship, she didn't. I have never been very adept socially and I don't want to get back into the dating scene, especially when I still have strong feelings for her. And the breakdown in this relationship just proved to my irrational mind that I am not worth anything. I know deep down that I'm wrong and I am worthy of being loved but getting myself to accept it just isn't happening.
I had one appointment so far with a therapist as I don't intend to feel this way ever again. My next appointment isn't for a week and its too far away for me. I used to be against taking any medications for this in the past but I am ready to do that if it will help. I just don't feel the willpower at the moment to force myself to feel better. Does it make sence to say that once I am depressed its hard to get out because I am liking it there? As much as I hate it I like it? That makes no sense.
So today it is a beautiful day to be outside somewhere but I am sitting in the house drinking everytime I start to feel bad and working my way around the house between the TV, computer, and whatever else I can get into to keep my mind occupied. But anything I do is short lived and I have to move on to something else. Oh this really sucks. And it can't be good for me.
Okay, I know it was long, but it feels a little better to write it out.