25 years of this!
I have suffered and been treated for depression and anxiety for 25 years.
I have been on every antidepressant and mood stabilizer known to man. Sometimes I am better, sometimes I am worse, but I have come to the conclusion that I will never feel good.
I have become an excellent actor. I pretend to be happy all the time. People comment on how I am always smiling. I am bubbly, funny and outgoing. It is quite an act. Has anyone else learned to do this? Inside I am in so much pain.
I don't want to be around people and usually won't answer the phone. I don't really feel lonely, just dead inside. I don't really care about anything.
I am about $25,000 in debt and scared to death. I guess I care about that!Not really my fault. Just very few jobs here and they are mostly very low paying. I am a single mom. I can't move because my parents would have no one to help with my invalid mother. I sleep every chance I get, except at night when I can't sleep. Ambien doesn't help. My son, 7, begs me to play with him, but I just don't have the strength. Can you say "guilt". He is now being treated for panic attacks.
I have nothing to look forward to. I know I should be thankful for what I have, but I just feel like a hopeless piece of crap. I am about 50 lbs overweight. I can virtually starve and gain weight and who can exercise when they are at the bottom of a dark hole. Funny though, I do care about being fat.
I am tired of medication switches they never work. Are there just some people who never feel well? Cause I don't think I ever have. Sad to say that the best I ever functioned was when I was a binge drinker. I had money, friends and looked hot. I stopped drinking, but depression has not improved.
Is there anyone else who feels they are a hopeless case? Cause I am feeling like the only one.
Re: 25 years of this!
Hiya, Im Maneka, Just read your thread, I feel for you I really do. I have felt like that at times. Read my story and you may get an idea of how unrelenting the bad times in my life have been. I still struggle day to day but i'll be damned if i give up all the good things in my life just to be another statistic proving life is ****. Most people who are in touch with reality know that life can be **** but its also amazing. I wish you could find hope in your son, panic attacks at 7 just isnt right. Sometimes what gets me through is lowering my expectations of people and situations. I just let the little things register and it works. Most of the time we go through life with blinkers on. Intelligence can blind a person to whats truly important in life. Cherish your little son, he absolutely adores his mum, shes the light of his life! I wouldnt miss that for the world you lucky thing.
big hug from me xx Maneka:D
Re: 25 years of this!
I don't feel like a hopeless case, although I have gained 100lbs in 7 years due to medications. Things could still be worse.
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