My earliest memory is of standing next to the kitchen table after attending the funeral of a twelve-year-old girl who I remember idolizing. I remember my parents explaining to me how people normally live until they get old, then go away and don't come back. I remember, two days later, my mom looking at me and making an offhand comment that seeing me grow up so fast made her feel old.
In typical five-year-old logic, I decided that by getting older I was killing my parents.
I had an older brother who hated me because he knew that my mom's post-partum depression was my fault. He told me I was useless. I believed him completely. I've hated myself violently and sometime illogically my whole life. I first directly attempted suicide when I was eleven; before that I would stick to things like walking across busy streets with my eyes closed. I self-mutilated regularly starting at the age of twelve. Because I lie convincingly and only attempted suicide through strangulation and/or overdose, my family still doesn't know any of this. At fourteen, I found a friend who gave me the wakeup I needed, and I started working to fix my life. Unfortunately, at sixteen, just as I was getting to the point where I didn't dread waking up in the morning, another one of my close friends killed himself. Three more friends died in rapid succession. I was sent straight back to where I started. Fortunately, the process of healing was a lot faster the second time around, and now, at eighteen, only about a third of my thoughts involve death, self-hatred, or cutting. Still, I'm hoping it will get better. I guess I can only wait and see.
You're a brave girl, thanx for telling your story. People don't realise that children are like sponges, they take so much in and a simple comment can be devastating to a child if misinterpreted. I know how hard it is to lose friends through suicide. I've been there myself. I promise it will get better xx Maneka
Have you tried taking magnesium against your thoughts of suicide ? Within 2 hours you will feel better. The US RDA (recommended daily allowance) is 400 mg/day. You may take more too it is free of any side-effects.
In case you don't want to try it now I hope you at least remember this in case you might need it.
Ok, at least now you know your aging doesn't kill anyone. But the issue of blame for postpartum, what I was informed of when I had kids was this: it takes about 6 weeks for the hormone imbalances to return to normal. So if your mother had issues past that time, it was not your birth (and BTW being born isn't your fault anyway!) but rather some other issues your mother had.
I'm not sure why, but in the 30 years since I had my firstborn, they have stretched out post-partum as a lifelong condition. I suspect this is to sell antidepressants. I think taking pain pills afterbirth might effect it longer(since they are depressants) or perhaps giving AD's before giving the body a chance might interfere.
It is literally a 6 week occurrence. I think anything beyond that is incorrectly blamed on post-partum and should be blamed on perhaps regular depression or bi-polar, depending on symptoms.
Your brother was incorrect, uninformed, ignorant and a jerk. So why should you allow someone like that to make you feel so bad about yourself? Screw em...