Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Alberton, Johannesburg, South Africa
| | I don't know
This might be a little long winded and boring but I fell I just have to write it all down. If anyone can actually manage to read this and make since of my ramblings and have any advice or anything to say, thank you.
In 2005 my Grandmother died of cancer and later that year my uncle (Phillip) died in a car accident. In 2006 my Step-Father’s Dad died and then on the 29th December my uncle died (Mike).
Both of my uncles were drunk at the time and were driving, they were the only people evolved in the accidents so that was a good thing.
In 2005 my Sister got divorced and so I said I would help her and her son get back on there feet, so we live together. I pretty much carried on living my life as I was, going out every now and then, on again off again relationship with my ex.
I would go away for weekends until in 2006 while I was away someone broke into our flat while both my Sister and Nephew were sleeping. She woke up and scared them off and they only got away with her phone and her maintenance money. I was away and there was no cell phone reception so only found out about it when I got back three days later. We moved and I have never stayed out all night again, the guilt that something could have happened to them still eats away at me. I know that it would have happened if I was there and there is nothing I could have done, but at least I would have been there.
So lots of bad things have happened but still not as bad as millions of other people so I should not really complain. We moved to a safer area, but the rent is really high so I started collecting more and more debt to keep us going, while my Sister Carey is putting all her money into her son’s education as he needs to go to a special school that costs a fortune. I love them so much and want to give them everything I can. Carey has also had such a bad time of it that I just wanted her to be happy for a change.
So money is tight, times are hard, boo hoo right?
My Uncle Mike that died at the end of December 2006, his wife, my Aunt Mandy is my Mom’s sister. Well Mandy and her daughter Cassy and I have been really close my entire life, Mandy was more of a mother to me than my own mother and Cassy was my best friend. Mike died and I sat with them every day and night, when ever I could get off of work. The one day a got a call from my Grandmother saying that Mandy was in hospital. Cassy and her husband were trying to have her committed and saying she wanted to kill herself. Cassy never phoned me and she would not tell me what hospital Mandy was in when I phoned her. Mandy got her phone and phoned me hysterical telling me they are trying to put her way. The cousin that I have loved and trusted all of my life was trying to have her Mother committed to get control of her Dad’s estate. I did not want to believe it at first it was like something out of a Soap Opera. So the Doctor looked at her and saw that she was not suicidal and sent her home.
Mandy asked me to forgive Cassy and let it go; she did not mean anything by it. I couldn’t a family takes care of there own. Things were then turned around and it was said that I made the entire thing up; if it was not for my Sister I really would have thought that maybe I did.
I thought I was fine with Mike’s death, but some part of me is confused. Here comes the weird part, when I was little, I can’t even remember how young I was when it started, but it stopped when I was 14, my Uncle molestered me. I never told a sole. It was difficult, I tried to avoid him but Mandy was like my Mother and Cassy meant the world to me. It stopped and I tried to move on.
About a year ago my one cousin was getting into allot of trouble and her Mom took her to a psychologist and it turns out that she was molested, but she would never say who did it, I can’t help but think it was our uncle as he used to have her stay over at his house all the time and would buy her plenty of things, but still I never said a word.
Now the man is dead, he was the wife of the person who was like a Mother to me and the Father if my best friend, he was also my uncle. I feel guilty because a part of me is glad he is dead. The things that I thought I had put behind me have all come back.
I have so much guilt inside of me, guilt that I never told anyone and I should have so that it would not happen to anyone else, guilt for always fighting with my Mother and blaming her because she should have known something was wrong and didn’t, guilt for being glad that he is dead even though it has taken away a father and husband for people I care about, guilt for being glad that both my uncles only killed themselves and hurt no one else with there accidents.
Since his death, I have stopped drinking, I would never drink and drive but alcohol seems to destroy my family, my Father lost his job because he is an alcoholic, my Aunt was killed by a drunk driver, and two of my uncles killed themselves with there drinking. I was not going away or anything because I won’t leave my sister and nephew alone but I still went out to movies and dinner with friends and dated, but now I barely speak to Mandy after she said I made the entire thing up about her daughter trying to have her committed, I don’t speak to Cassy at all. Yes that is anger so I should get over it, but that is not all, I don’t see my friends any more I don’t date I don’t go anywhere. I go to work and go home; I have pushed everyone away and have put everything I have into my family with my Sister and nephew.
I have become a recluse, I don’t go to the shops, my sister does that, I see no one; my phone is off all the time so no one can get hold of me.
I have major financial problems and I’m depressed all the time, I try to smile at work, but mainly I just come in do what I must and leave, I only speak to people if I have to. I think about killing myself everyday the only thing stopping me is that I don’t know who would help my sister and her son then. But I don’t feel I would be missed anyway. Most days I just wish it would all end. I have almost driven off of a bridge. I have lost my will to live and know I just go day to day. I can’t talk to anyone about this; I’m not an open person. I can’t go see anyone about this as psychologists are too expensive.
I think about this all and think I am being pathetic and should get a grip there are people out there with far more problems than I have and feel stupid.
I just had to get this all out and I don’t know if this makes any sense or how fabulous the spelling or grammar is I just wanted to get it out. I’m lost and maybe just writing it all down would make me feel better.
If you managed to read this all, I said I was long winded, thank you for listening to me.