Sunny99

Im knew to this in fact never even thought about how many people felt the way I do. I contracted polio when I was 9 months old (1949) over the years I had to have various opps to correct a shortness in my right leg. When I was 13 I had to be given an antidepressant as I started having bad panic attacks I have been on and off antidepressants since then in fact I'm now seeing a psychiatrist who advised me to stay on the anti's (as I call them) since I was little I have always felt like I didn't belong and often wished I were dead its just this terrible greyness that seems to come over me like a vale and I just cant shake of this terrible feeling of incredible emptiness and sadness. I have a loving husband and people who love me but I cant seem to respond the way I should. I have 2 lovely boys one is getting Married next month. I did have a baby girl who died a few minutes after giving birth ( I had a ruptured uterus and was rushed to hospital but Sara Anne died. Chris was born about 18 months later I had to spent 7 weeks in hospital before his deliver which was over 2 months early he was a very sick boy, he spend 3 months in hospital and he had so many thing go wrong with him I would need at least 2 more pages. I dont know if this is all related to how I feel but there are times when I actually get envious when someone dies ( now that cant be normal ) .
This is only half my story but I think I will close now , life is really a battle and I know there are people worse of than me but I just cant seem to look at life like that ( I really wish I could)