kimiesoscared

I have been depressed for a very long time. I know the main source of my depression is the rejection from my father. I am 40 now and 20 years ago he wanted me to sneak court papers into her mailbox and I refused and did not answer the door when he came knocking at my apt. I let him know that I did not want to get involved in their issues and since I did not do what he wanted me to he said "I was no longer his daughter" never in a million years did I believe he would never ever talk to me again. Over the years I have tried to contact him with certified letters, calls, ect and he does not want to talk to me and will hang up the phone or not say a word to me.

He is now sick and I was called from the hospital because they stated they need someone in the family to make decisions on his behalf since he is unable to. I went to the hospital to visit him and while in the hospital room - he refused to talk to me - and when I said "Daddy I Love You" he chuckled and did not respond and continued to refuse me. The next day I called him and he hung up the phone the 1st time, the 2nd time he told his roommate that he does not want to talk to me. I am so hurt and depressed and over the years I have not been able to conquer my depressions not even antidepressants help with this one.

I decided to totally give up and told the doctor I do not wanted to be contacted at all. They agreed to not call me. I will leave him alone and though it won't be easy I have to accept he does not want me or love me and I just don't understand what I did that was so bad to deserve this, I often think I should have "opened" my door 20 years ago and take the papers from him because then everything would be different. I am a grown women that still feels like a little girl that loves her daddy and desperately wishes he loved me to. I guess I have to let go thought it is not easy.