the cards ive been dealt
my names jenni im 20 and this is my story,
at the age of 4 yrs old my mum up and left me and my brother with my dad for another man. we were so young and so innocent but very vulnerable at the time. you could say that my mum put her happiness before mine and my brothers future because 16 years later every question roots back to this very milestone in my life.
My dad had a near on mental breakdown but with the help and support from family and friends he tried to give us the best life he could. He found a new partner who from the age of about 7 i use to call mum. i dont remember far enough back to be able to tell you if i was happy at that point in my life or if i just wanted everyone to think i was happy so i didnt have to explain. i use to go and spend the occasional weekend with my mum and probably due to the fact that we saw so little of her that would probably explain why she became my best friend, the person i shared all my secrets with. and looking back now thats where the manipulation also started to grow. hidden behind promises and i suppose, me wanting her to love me.
many nights i cried and cried and cried till my eyes where so swollen and my throat so sore because i wanted my mum there. no one saw this i hid it from everyone. i couldnt bear to think that people would see my weak side.
i use to have really bad nightmares where id dream that someone was killing my mum in front of my very eyes. i loved her so much it hurt.
at the age of 14 when i was going through my rebellious teenage stage i channeled my sadness into anger to hide the pain inside me. by this point my mum had injected her poison so deep in my heart that my dad was on the receiving end of the events which followed. first it was just disobeying everything he asked me to do, completely disrespecting my step mum, staying out till stupid times getting drunk, experimenting with cannabis, sleeping around. i hated myself, my body and everyone around me was just getting in the way of the grave that i just wanted to fall into. Then one day after some very stupid argument with my dad he said that if i wasn't happy here then to go and live with my mum. that was what i had wanted... right? he also said that if i did that then he didn't want to see or hear from me for the next 3 months because that is how much i had hurt him. i couldn't show my weak side that would destroy me so instead i walked out, roamed the streets for a bit then went to a house party. i didn't care what i did i didn't care about anyone other than my mum and she wasn't there so i picked up the vodka and just started drinking. some hours later my last memory was lieing on the floor with my head over a bucket, the burning acid taste in my mouth complete blind to anything around me. i physically could see, paralytic and disgusting.
i moved in with my mum and the guy she left my dad for and their child. 6months i refused to speak to my dad, i hated him for saying what he had said to i decided to double the time and give him a taste of how it feels to be cut off.
18 months later me and my dad had our first respectable conversation. i had grown up, i had been with my boyfriend for over a year and i wanted to show him that i had changed for the better. but with every high theres a low. in this case my mums jealousy of mine and my dads relationship made me open my eyes up to reality abit more. my boyfriend loved me and i loved him. i didn't need to visualize her love anymore and make something fake seem real. and as the following few months passed me and my dad talked about alot of things that had happened, the biggest one being child maintanace. now the day i moved in with my mum she told me that because she had me and my dad had my brother they would just call it stale mate. i respected her for that because shes a foster carer shes classed as unemployed so she was giving my dad 5 pounds a week for me and my brother and he would of had to of given her alot more. yet the funny thing was my dad laughed when i told him this. she hadnt contacted the CSA at all to talk about stopping payments however she did mention that i was there full time now and that she needs more money. so behind my back for 2 years she was taking money from my dad and giving me 20 pound a week to buy all my own toiletries, school uniforms, clothes, lunch etc. over 200 pound was coming out of my dads wages which were supporting his wife and thier 2 children as well as my brother, to go to someone who had 2 nice cars a nice house and who really didn't need that money for anything other than another luxury to rub in my dads face. i had been used for money by the one person closest to me. i was back on my downhill slope again. then one day after yet another argument with my mum something inside me just flipped. it was like someone had pulled the plug out of my heart, and with it all the love i felt for my mum just dissapeared. it was no longer my mum stood in front of me but a shallow, pathetic, greedy, manipulative nobody. she was nothing to me anymore. i had never been more ashamed of life than i did at that moment. i packed up all my things and left. my heart had been incinerated, i just wanted to die.
i moved back in with my dad and tried rebuilding my life without my mum. then 2 months later i went to Egypt and the bombs went off very close to us. my brother had mentioned it to my mum as he still saw her and one day after we had flown home she turned up at my boyfriends mums house with flowers, chocolates, wine and a thank you card because they had kept her informed about us being safe. i never once got an apology for what she had done to me and she has the cheek to do this in front of me. all part of her im so innocent act that she fools everyone around her with. so as expected we had a fight but this time it was different. i wanted answers that she couldn't give. and with that her final words to me where " if you don't want to speak to me just say, then il mourn you like your dead and get on with the rest of my life" wow the lump in my throat could of choked me at that point. i walked away. at the age of 16 my mum had given me an ultimatum. what did she expect me to do, just forgive her, you cant have a relationship based on lies and thats all me and my mum ever had.
its been 3 and a half years since i last spoke to my mum. its also been a year since my brother last spoke with her too. ive been in hospital 5 times through trying to drink myself into a very deep sleep, my doctor thinks im an alcoholic. 18months ago me and my boyfriend split, i had an abortion and the girl he cheated on me with now has a beautiful baby boy which they have called charlie. the very name my ex always knew i wanted to call our baby.
im trying to get on with my life, ive mastered the art of hiding my sadness. jens the fun bubbly person who people love being around. but underneath it all im nothing, the pain the flows through every drop of blood in my body will never let me rest. the only question that remains is how long can this fake smile keep on smiling.......