I first realized that I suffered from depression when I was 15 years old.
I grew up in a toxic environment, almost cult like. It was religious strictness to an extreme.
I was not allowed to celebrate birthdays or any holidays. I was rarely allowed to have friends over and when I was I had to clean the house to my motherís standard of perfection before hand. The house was normally a mess. As a little girl starting at maybe 7 or 8 I was continuously told I was liar and it was my fault my mom had no friends Until I had children I never even realized that I was molested
My parents were constantly fighting, my mom was constantly yelling until my father turned into a robot and did exactly what she wanted to keep her quiet and then she turned on me. I was accused of being a ***** all through high schoolÖ.basically I was accused of being a terrible daughter and blamed for all my motherís downfalls.
So when I turned 18 I married my boyfriend( partly because I thought I was in love, partly to get out of the toxic environment I was living in. Throughout my life since I was 15 Iíve experienced sever mood swings and my husband has been the brunt of it since we got together when I was 16. Iíve been married for 3 years now, miserably. I have two children who are the only light in my life. If it wasnít for my kids I would stay drunk and/or high 24/7 I love to be drunk and high because it impairs my thinking and is almost like a break from my miserable reality. But just so it is clear I do not drink or do drugs when I am caring for my children almost every Saturday night my in laws keep them and my husband and I go out with friends.
So as for the husband heís a great guy, he loves our children and I dearly but he is jealous and lazy. His only flaws, but unfortunately all I see when I look at him is a lazy jealous man who holds me back from happiness. Sometimes I feel bad for him because I am so depressed and moody and sometimes I want to strangle him because he makes me miserable. So Iím not really sure whats wrong with our marriage, my depression or his laziness and jealousy.
He is ridiculously jealous, he stayed at home with the kids so I could go to my homecoming football game a few weeks ago (which by the way is the first time heís ever stayed at home and watched both kids) he told me that if any guy at all spoke to me I was to call him immediately. Its things like that if a man looks at me while were at the store heíll pull out his knife and run his fingers across it as a threat to the man. He tried to kill my ex boyfriend with a baseball bat because he drove past my house. So you see how that is. The laziness is a legitimate complaint too basically he works and makes money but thatís the extent of what he does other than work which is only 3-4 days a week and he drives a truck so its easy he just drives all dayÖanyway other than that he sits on the couch. I do the bills, the cleaning, the kids, laundry, I work part time and my kids come to work with me, I cook supper every night, and I have sex with him almost every nightÖ.I am an excellent wife and mother and he, for the most part, is an excellent husband. I accept that all the things I do is my contribution to the family but I do feel that what I do far out weighs what he does. I donít want to demonize my husband because I love him very much and he loves me we just have some problems.
I donít want this to sound like a big sob story or anything I suppose Iím wondering if my depression comes from the way I was treated as a child, or the teenager thing was a teenager thing and now Iím in a crappy marriage
I just want to be happy, I want to live life to the fullest I want to travel, I want to save animals, I want to open a business, I want a beautiful house with a pool and a picket fenceÖ..I just want to be happy and I have no idea how to get there.
Honey, you are living the life that you saw your parents live. Do you want to live like that the rest of your life? It sounds like you have two beautiful children who really need you. Do you want them to grow up in an environment where there mother is miserable? You need some professional help. First, you need to learn that the abuse you suffered as a child WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! You need to learn to care and love who you are. If you are suffering from depression, drugs and alcohol will only make you feel more depressed. You say you love your husband; does he tell you in words that he loves you? Talk to your physician, your children's physician's or your local VNA. Your local YWCA can also direct you to a place for help. Any of these places can assist you in taking that first step to helping yourself. The hardest part is ... Do you seriously want help? Do you really want to change your lifestyle? How badly do you want it? YOU NEED TO HELP YOURSELF, NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR YOU! I wish you all the best. Just know that someone out here in cyberspace cares for you.
i have to say hun, that, atleast from what you said, your husband is possesive as well as jealous and that is really not good for your mental state. I do sort of understand though.
My partner is not the jealous type but the laziness I get - I study fulltime, work part time do all the housework and bills etc and he... works and then sits on his butt. And I understand the need to demonize your partner, especially when I hit my real lows, and I blame him for being the root of my problems.
the moderators may not like me for saying this because you're not meant to give advice, but I really really encourage you to talk to someone, whether it be a counsellor or a friend. I could be completely off-track but your story hints at the possiblility of maybe some violence, or atleast emotional abuse in your relationship. Please do not think that I'm telling you to split or talk to the police or anything you don't want to do. I merely want you to let someone else that you trust know what's going on, and for you to have a place to go where you're safe if you need it, or even if it never gets to that point, a place to go to retreat and think.
i have a history of sexual abuse and a screwy family (I have my own story/thread if you want to read the whole story) and I know it heavily contributed to my depression, but I think, for me atleast, it was a combination of my experiences and my natural personality. i can't speak for you, and i certainly can't tell you how to solve it all in one easy step. What I can tell you is that, for me atleast, is that when I eventually found enough courage to talk and found someone i trusted to talk to, it became the biggest turn around point.
i really really hope that you find a solution that works for you and I really really hope that things start looking up. Know that there are people out there who care about you, even if you don't realise it.