| | A short story....
Depression has ruined my life. A head on car crash when I was 20, guilty feelings of being able to walk away and tell the story remain. Banged my head requireing 19 stiches also a broken back. But hey, I survived, didn't I? My moods changed, anxiety more often, back ache, head aches, bouts of depression more frequent lasting more so. Lost my beautiful girlfriend, lost my amazing job, lost my interest to continue with my hobbies. Unable to hold a job down, unable to make a relationship last, unable to go outside at times, fear of crowded places so have missed endless birthdays, weddings and so on. I have nothing now apart from debts.
I guess on the bright side I have been feeling better having taken Efexor XL 75mg now for the last year. My mood has lifted, or not so intense as before however still unable to get out of bed at times or unable to sleep for days. Moods are like a yo yo. The heaviest feelings pin me down when the lightest cause equal distress as I ramble away a million and one words per second. Panic attacks or the fear of one keep me indoors mostly.
This mind has nothing in common with this body. I miss the old me. At 37 years of age I sometimes wonder how I have become a million miles away from my early days and dreams. I miss that wanting to get out of bed feeling, never enough hours in the day. If I could focus for more than a minute or know how I am likely to feel or cope with my out of the blue manic moods then maybe I could get those days back again. For now, I live and hope this will be so. I try each day that I can over come the basics of washing, cleaning, reading, walking, cooking but somehow and all too often it's half hearted. I forget what I read, I lose my hunger after cooking, walking out doors scares me and there is only so much cleaning I can do. Trapped with in myself but no way will I let 'a mood' or funny 'thoughts' win over me, at least I can say I do try a little each day, holding onto dreams that could be just a heart beat away.
Thankfully, I can find pleasure in nature. Just looking at the trees feels me with some joy. Birds, animals and plants radiate a selfless act that sends me light. If they can do it, year in year out then so can I. Ever noticed how birds are good to themselves and each other? They must be doing something right so as to be able and want to sing each morning. That will be me one day, singing every morning, making the neighbours depressed with my untrained vocal chords as I become well again. The balance of life!
Be well people, wishing you all happy thoughts.