I can't talk to anyone about the way I feel
I'm 21 years old and I live at home with my mother and my sister. I used to be a very together type of person, I had a number of friends and I was happy. I had a very close bond with my father up until last summer. He had an affair with another woman after 25 years of marriage to my mother. He left to live with what is now his girlfriend.
I am over the divorce, and I've forgiven him for the way that he went about things. However, he is a completely different person now. He once was a caring dad and now he doesn't seem to want to talk to me. Hes asked my mom never to talk to him again. He didn't go to my sisters graduation soley because my mom was there, and I can't understand how he thinks thats justified.
The one person in my family that I completely felt like I indentified with is gone. I feel like he died and yet hes still physically around. I dated a boy for 8 months following my father leaving. I broke up with him because I felt I needed to deal with the feelings that I supressed about my dad. Ever since I made this decision, I've become reclusive. I don't see my friends anymore, they don't seem to wonder where I am. Its been about 6 months since I've really talked to anyone. I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to get out of bed some mornings.
I feel as though I've completely lost myself and I don't know how to come out of this. I used to love talking to people and really listening to them and now I can't look anyone in the eye. I try to talk to my mom and she tells me that I'm fine and completely dismisses my feelings. I don't have health care and therefore can't talk to a counselor.
I feel guilty for everything, for not talking to my friends because I can't get up the courage or the energy to keep up with them and I know thats my fault, for letting myself get this bad. I need help getting over this and I just don't even know where to begin.