On my computer with my husband sleeping and my 3 year old daughter sleeping and no one to talk to. Unable to sleep and feeling a bit anxious why you ask? Not sure of that answer. I have been struggling with something since 1998. The first sign of something was when I graduated colledge that year. I was interviewing for jobs and I was getting every job interview I went on. I would accept one and then when I would get to the job the first day I would either run away that first day thinking I couldn't do the job or was scared. I still continued to interview and get the jobs but still found myself not being able to stay.
The placement department at my college called me in for a meeting with them. The person told me that there must be something going on unlying that I needed to deal with before I could get a job and stay. I was so scared and had no idea what was going on with me. So the placement lady/man gave me a card of a psycologist to go talk to.
At that point I would have tried anything and knew something wasn't right and maybe it could help. It certainly couldn't hurt I thought. So off I went and of course meet with the person and told them what was happening to me. I briefed them on my childhood and parents and yeah the story about me and how I came to be. Everyone has a story to tell right and so did I.
The psycologist sent me to the guy across the hall that could prescribe the meds. Yup this was the start of what was to come. They gave me a nice little white pill the would help give me the confidence to stay at the job and get comfortable. It was called xanix...and boy it worked perfectly. So I got a job and off I was in the real world and only had to take the drug for the first few weeks of work and then I had all the confidence in the world. I worked hard and began my working career.
I had a boyfriend/fiance a job what more could I want. That job wasn't around very long and the company was closing their doors. I thought I might have trouble again when looking and starting a new job so I went to my regular doctor and told her my story and the med that worked so she gave me my prescription and off I went. It's the end of 1999 and a new job now and all good only taking the med for a few weeks and feeling like Rocky again.
This job was a killer...an emotionally abusive job...that tested me in so many ways. I was a fighter though and continued to work as hard and as well as I could no matter what the bosses said. Bought a house and married during this time also but knew it was time for a change so I had begun looking for a new job.
Then 911 happened and wow was I sad. Watched it all unfold at work and cried on and off watching the TV for a long time. Hearing the storied and watching what people where going through my heart just ached.
A month after 911 I was again back on an interview and using the help of xanix. It worked great once again. Did I know what was coming down the pipe...nope not at all.
I need to back up now to a car accident I was in back in 1998. I was rearended at a red light. Ouch right...neck spasms pysical therapy and all that of course to try and feel better.
So I'm at this great new job for almost a year when I have a spasm in my neck and my right arm goes numb. Off to the doctors I go and great pain killers...muscel relaxers...valuum...pumped up on all this stuff...should feel great right...nope. In bed for not sure the time frame but a bit and barely moving. My husband is waking me up during meal time to get some soup and crackers in me.
This is when the maddness began. I started talking funny. Saying crazy things to my husband and talking to my dead Aunt. Yes I do remember doing this. I eventually was hospitalized and tested for everything under the sun. They found nothing wrong and off to another now mental hospital I went. Parts of the first hospital I do remember. People after me and I was hearing voices alright and seeing crazy stuff. Some parts are blacked out and I don't remember but for the most part I remember. I was waiting for that person to save me that really wasn't and had no idea what I was going through.
Now doctors had no idea what was wrong but drugged me very well so I wouldn't be a problem for sure. Yes I do remember the second hospital very well also. Being woken up at 2am to have blood drawn was very interesting to say the least.
I eventually was able to go home. Was I ready to go home...who know but ooops the meds were not right and the uncontrolable druling and body tremmers were not fun and off to the emergency room I went feeling very uncomfortable. Ooops I was put back in the hospital in the psyc ward. What a scary place for someone so lost. Ok meds are level and outpatient here I come. Another crazy place to try and listen to other peoples issues and try to relate when you don't know what the heck is going on with yourself.
My husband all this time did you forget about him...yup he's still hanging on to me and waiting for the girl he married to come back to him was talking to everyone he knew to find out what he could do or find some answers. Finally he gets me out and gets me to a one on one enviroment with a psycologist who may have saved my life or actually who knew of a psycologist that could prescribe meds and put me on the right mixture that worked for me and worked on the side effects at the same time. I was coming back into orbit now and was home in my own bed...yup still had a bed...and a home to come home to...no paycheck...no bills getting paid...credit down the tubes...but the hubby keep the house.
I was back home not hearing voices and able to watch a little tv too. But couldn't leave the house or even sit on the front step. What was wrong with me or what did I have you ask...not sure anyone really knows but all the psycologist could give me was depressive sycosis. I say what the heck is that and never heard that in my life nor did I ever think anything like this could happen to me. I eventually got better and well and went back to work and was off the meds. Yup off the meds because I didn't want to take meds. Meds is what caused this thing to happen in the first place. Right...so I thought.
I was doing great off the meds and moving on with my life. Never going to take pain killers...valuum...muscel relaxers again right. My husband and I decide I've been good for a couple years so lets start a family. Yup I will not use any pain killers during delivery right. Had a somewhat challenging pregnancy but nothing terrible. I made it threw feeling great but what was to come I had no idea. Postpartum depression...what was this??? I never knew anyone who had gotten this or at least shared that they had it.
I had my daughter in 2005 and was feeling so blessed the day I had her...it was a struggle...no pain killers...natural birth...blood shot eyes...exgusted but so estatic at the same time. Until the sleep deprevation kicks in and back down hill I went but wait I was ready...a psycologist ready to give me my meds at the first sign and here it is...back on meds I went but not soon enough to kick the postpartum in the butt and the anxiety took over. I was going to be left home with a new baby that I had no idea how to take care of and scared again out of my mind. (litterally)
My husband took me to the emergency room...did either of us really know that I wouldn't be going home with him that afternoon. I don't know but I didn't. He had to get back to our baby and the hospital was admitting me. He left me there and onto a table/bed I went and all I could feel was my body sinking back into the table/bed. A few days earlier we had to put our dog to sleep due to health problems and possibility she would hurt my baby. A very hard thing to do and deal with. As I was feeling my body sink into the table/bed the only thing I could think was that I was being put to sleep. Crazy right. With out telling my husband there were no beds availible at the hospital and off in an ambulance I went.
I ended up about an hour away from home in another metal hospital. Just where I needed to be. Who knows...but drugged beyond belief and yeah looking back now I was thinking crazy things...did this new hospital know what the right cocktail of drugs was that I needed...I was once again scared out of my mind and now thought my husband had left me.
I just had a baby only a week earlier...had my dog put to sleep...trying to recover from an all natural birth...could I get a break somewhere...nope.
I ended up being away from my baby for two complete weeks until my husband once again got me back to the hospital that was close to home for him to bring the baby to see me. I eventually got on the right cocktail of drugs and was back home with my baby after two months of being in the hospital and then back to work the next month.
I am continuing to stuggle with this thing that I have call it what you will...depression...anxiety...panic attacks...all of the above. It's something that I have to face and accept and I now continue to take meds and will probably for life or at least on and off for life. I am on Lexipro now and this seems to be keeping me level.
Back to the doctor I go because here I sit at 12am unable to sleep and feeling a bit anxious. I could be the fact that people around me are losing their jobs and the economy stinks...so my feeling of being scared is coming back. Who really knows...will I get threw it and fight YOU BETCHA!!!!
I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter to live for. She needs me!
I think it helped for that moment but it was the start of something bigger so I am trying to deal with that now...lexapro was working but now I'm trying abilify with it...we'll see in two weeks how I am but I sure feel defeated and scared once again!!!!! I am so greatful I have a 3 year old who I will have for the rest of my life. I have been blessed with that but have been plegued with this struggle and don't know if there is an end to it.