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Old 02-03-2009, 07:47 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: london
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BillieDeCat HB User
sinking...

I have 2 great children.
A fiance who is doing his best to cope.
Friends who I can't let too close because it's humiliating to be so hopeless.
Last year I lost my mom. Suddenly without warning she died.
My aunt, who she lived with, always left it to the last minute to tell me if anything was wrong, sometimes she didn't tell me at all. I'd just be told Mom was asleep or resting, or just couldn't come to the phone. Twice she had a stroke and I wasn't told.
Mom wouldn't tell me because she didn't 'want to worry me' she said. Couldn't risk me 'losing my job by taking time off to go and visit her', she said. The hospital didn't even know I existed, when I turned up they were very cautious until they asked my aunt, who suddenly remembered about her next of kin.
If my aunt hadn't needed me for registering Moms' death, I wonder if she'd have let me know how bad she was at the end.
The day after she died, we went to register the death, when I took her back to the house she'd shared with my mother I wasn't even allowed in. My cousin was in the house-alcoholic, nervous breakdown, can't stand to see me so I can't go in the house. I remind him of the past(?) and it agitates him...
I was adopted. Into another ethnic group. I never fitted in growing up, didn't realize that until teenage years-bad time to find out how alien those people saw me as.
Feel so lonely. The only person who ever loved me unconditionally has gone. No one will ever be there for me like that again. I'm not ready to be an adult, alone in the world. I've lost what I thought of as the rest of my family. My aunt hasn't been in touch since the funeral.
In August last year I fell suddenly and seriously ill. Hospital-surgery-lost one lung. Shock. Numb. Recovery so slow, lost my job.
Partner coped badly. No experience of looking after children, having full time job and running a home. Tall order for anyone.
No income or means of getting one at the moment.
Can't see the point of fighting to keep going nowhere. All I do is sleep all day, whilst children at school, and come alive once they come home. Then awake all night, turning over everything that has happened this last decade. I've done everything so badly, the only person who never judged me has gone.
Where do I turn now? I'm supposed to be over my grief now. People can't deal with it. I can't pretend it's all ok now.
Lost.

 
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