Ok not sure why iam here or what to write so iam just going to rant.
1st i want to saythat iam unsure if iam depressed because no one seems to notice even though the way i feel seems to fit.but iam very careful about selfdiagnosis and serious about depression.mainly because my father suffers from depression , along with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis which makes him sick and depressed ,not a good combination.
i cant describe how i feel sometimes i think i dont feel at all but thats not possible i mean i have to feel something right?and at other times its like i cant stop feeling, upset angry frustrated sad all at once for no reason i feel like iam losing my mind.ive been told i overreact .maybe its because i dont alway have a reason to feel this way so when i do ...well i cant just let it pas can i.
anyway at the moment i have a reason.alot of reasons and iam alone and i needed to do something to stop me overthinking i dont think this will help but i need to do something.
my dad tried to kill himself last year.hed been having a bad time because the mum was going to own the house soon and he would be kicked out in his eyes i guess he was losing everything.while he and mum were drunk mum introduced him to piet (they wre together for a while and dad didnt know)mum eventually kicked them both out.the next day dad came back and said he was going away i asked were he wouldnt say and all i could think of was my own selfish fear that he would abandon me and i asked him to take me to but he just cried and left .it didnt occur to me that he would himself untill he didnt answer my calls then i started to get worried (were close and he would normally do anything to be able to talk to me).i tried to tell mum i was worried but he was no longer her problem and he had gone missing before.he came back after a week and we cried and hugged.latter i got him to admit my worries and he said the only reason he didnt was my calls and now its always on my mind.
What if next time iam not enough to keep him alive .every time i see him i think hes goin to leave and not come back.everytime iam not with him iam scared and everytime iam with him i can see how sick and sad and hopeless he feels and i find i feel the same.which i wont admit to him he says iam too much like him already and that scares him i dont want to worry him anymore.
school is a big thing for dad he was smart and could have done well but he didnt and he doesnt want that for me either.mum only seems to have a problem with my results dissapointing her when shes paying so much.
Ive just started year 11 and i feel like iam already failing ive always been able to do well or at least average at school without trying but now i find that icant think straight i cant finish anything i cant even finish sleeping iam always awake and iam always thinking but if i could just be thinking about school or something like that instead of every little thing that makes me angry that might be productive.ok so iam not dealing with school well but what worries me it that if i cant get out of bed to go to school if iam breaking down now how the hell am i going to deal with the rest of my life am i just going to fail at life end up alone and die ?
iam never been big on going out with friends i prefer to be alone but it just seems like such an effort and when i do go out all i want to do is go home and sleep.it doesnt help that ive never really been good with people. being with large groups or out in public areas like the shopping centre makes me incredibly selfconsious i feel like every one watches me or i come up with the strange idea that one particular person in the group can read my mind and it freaks me out.even at home i like the blinds closed because i think the neighbours or someone is watching me even though i know its stupid it scares me.this wouldnt bother me (the not going out ) but my friends get annoyed and even though i dont particuarlly like them sometime (ok alot of the time)iam scared they will leave me.
My parents broke up for good finally last year.THANK GOD.as said earlier they were terrible together and i hated them for it.ive been told that iam reacting to their break up but iam more upset about the surroundin details.piet is mums new boyfriend i dont like him hes just so annoying and soon after dad moved out he moved in against my wishes. Now he gets upset that i dont like him(well yeah ur not supposed to be here).my dad gets along with him and expects that to help me like him and respect him as my guardian (both mum and dad are alive i dont want or need a guardian especially one i hate and he doesnt deserve my respect).needless to say iam sick of everyone.
any who last night i broke down and told my dad alot (which i feel guilty about,i feel like iam hurting him and everyone around me ) ,iíd done this before but all that happened was that mum made an appointment with someone who didnt even show up because they hurt their foot.he told mum they were both drunk again and broke into a verbal fight. i went to bed i hear them but ive learnt to block out thier voices.i woke up this morning to find that dad left but after an antagonising call from piet, came back to fight.piet is in hospital getting surgery (dads skinny and unfit from self neglect and medication but he still throws a good punch....well at least he can defend himself ,the way he talks when drunk it makes me happy he can defend himself).but now iam left with the aftermath .and this is why i dont tell anyone how i feel because it turns into other peoples problems and that turns into a fight and now ive made everyone misserable again.
wow ive written alot .So if yove bothered reading thanks. i just needed to rant .
wow, that's a lot for you too deal with on your own.
I know that feeling, that sort of a dull I'm-not-capable-of-feeling-anything-right-now/my-emotions-have-gone-on-a-vacation-without-warning feeling. that sort of busy signal in your head/ where you feel in a different reality and just feel dull and heavy.
I really really hope that you go and talk to someone, you are going through alot and in my experience bottling it up doesn't lead to good things. i know every one is afraid to take that step to talking to a counsellor - I was, but they're confidential and impartial and maybe it would help. Something to think about maybe, but at the end of the day its up to you. I would really encourage you to talk to someone, at first probably someone outside your immediate family.
I hope things go well for you, i hope you find someway to let all that distress out, and know that there are people out there who are wishing you well.
If you feel the need to rant or just want to chat feel free to flick me a message.