depression and the loss I feel
In November 2005 the dreaded depression set in followed, by the inevitable anxiety attacks. at 58 I was unable to work , lost my self confidence, failed my family and reduced us to a life of poverty. 3years on and with the help of medication and my loving family I am just starting to get better.
My story began as I said in November 2005 I was working as an electrician , I was good at my job and although I was considered quite old to be earning my wages in a competitive work place I was one of the highest paid in the company. In 2004 we had bought a old house and was in the process of doing it up, hard work but I really enjoyed it. I worked a 16hr. Day but honestly I loved it. I have a kidney stone with renal colic and every day I would have pain followed by sickness and still I managed to carry on. My job entailed travel and I would be up at 5.30 each morning to reach work by 7.30 (5 and sometimes 6 days a week.) our children were both old enough to care for themselves and my wife returned to work after 20 years of looking after us and things couldnít have been better. And then devastation , I woke one morning and I just couldnít go to work, I didnít know what was wrong but for the first time in my life I didnít want to go!
My wife thought that I needed a break and a week or two would be good for me, well the weeks past and no change I was down, tearful and depressed and after 3 months my wife made me go to our doctor he asked me some questions and said that I had depression and prescribed medication with a follow up with a local mental health clinic. our house was almost finished just the final touches to complete but now we didnít have the income and I was incapable of doing the work myself and my wifeís wages couldnít stretch to anything but bare essentials. We had lived to our income 2 cars, a boat on the canal, holidays twice a year and all the extras that went with a good income.
As the months turned into years I became more and more reliant on medication and gradually slipped into my shell, not being able to cope with life and burying myself in despair. I had stopped going to bed and was now sleeping on the settee in the living room, my energy level was non-existent I was sleeping 14 hours a day, just making my self a cup of tea was an achievement.
By this time I was seeing a psychiatrist and had a mental health nurse visiting once a week, I thought than I couldnít get any worse but on the 2nd.april 2008 it did.
My daughterís baby had been staying with me so that I could look after her when my daughter went to work, I was getting back my confidence looking after her and together with having to care for her and seeing her grow, walk and talk made me feel more alive than any medication. I had someone else to think about and this was a perfect way of doing it, we became companions, me teaching her and she teaching me.
At 5.30 on the 2nd. April 2008 my daughter picked up my grand daughter as usual and when home, at midnight I answered the door to see my daughters partner clutching the baby in his arms she was limp and was breathing in gasps, her eyes were glazed and as I took her into my arms she gave her last breath and passed away. My little grand daughter had gone. the paramedics arrived and an ambulance and they took her to hospital and by the time we arrived they had restarted her heart and she was on a ventilator, the doctors worked on her for hours and arranged for a special unit to take her to another hospital 20 miles away that had better facilities, but at 5.30pm. On the 3rd. April our baby was declared dead.
It was only then that we were told that the police had been called to investigate her death and the words SHAKING BABY syndrome was first heard, the police formally charged my daughters partner with MURDER. we were all interviewed and statements were taken, my daughters house was searched as was ours and things were removed from both.
My daughters partner wasnít the biological father of our little girl and he had been alone with taylor on that evening and the hospital and the police suspected foul play.
Over the next month we tried to keep an open mind about what really had happened on that night looking for answers, but as time went on we too had to face the possibility that he had done something to cause our little girls death.
My daughter had two other children and this was her 3rd. Child she was only 13months old and the horror of it all was that she was pregnant again and this unborn child was HIS the man that may have murdered her little girl.
I am unable to put into words the anguish we all when though over the coming months, especially for my daughter, she contemplated termination but we convinced her to have him and prayed that she would see that He wasnít to blame for his fathers action. The little one was born on the 20th. October 2008 and both are doing well.
My daughter and the FATHER got back together after the funeral and intend to get married this year and He as asked that he be able to adopt the baby as his own.
We have been told that cases such as this can take years to finalize and that we may never get all the answers that we want, so we may never have closure but we will always have our memories of a little girl that brought so much love into our lives, if only for a short time.
As if this wasnít enough 3 days after her passing our son was mugged and robbed and is now unable to go out, he as been diagnosed with social anxiety at 19 his feeling of loss and the attack have caused this and we pray that he will recover soon.
My wife as been a rock through it all, she works full time and still manages to keep us all together, I pray to god that she will remain so and that we all recover from this terrible ordeal.
As for me, new medication is starting to kick in and I feel that I am getting better.
For my daughter she as agreed to start medication today and with every oneís help she should be on the road to recovery, god willing..
My son is still in his room but as agreed to seek help to get him out of the house and I pray that he will get better soon.
My wife, as always, gets on with the job and supports us all as only a mother/wife can. Her self sacrifice and dedication is without doubt the most courageous thing imaginable. Without her support our family would have crumbled.