I'm not sure if I am depressed. Mostly because I'm not sure what qualifies. I know that I feel really crappy. I know that I feel different than I used to. I was always proactive, a go-getter, happy and energetic. To some extent I guess you could say I still keep that facade up. But the truth is I'm disillusioned with life. I don't see the point. At all. No one is ever going to change anything, and even if they do ... so what? I could study and become successful and wealthy and achieve a lot - and what would that all really mean.
The result of my feeling this way is that I don't really do anything. Ever. I sort of just go through the motions. No one seems to notice, luckily - I'm not really too keen on talking to anyone about it. My boyfriend of 3 years knows how I feel, but it's a long distance relationship so that doesn't really help. Half the time he doesn't even realise anything is wrong. Which is not his fault.
My studies are really interesting, but I never actually work. I've tried to motivate myself, I really have. I've taken on new challenges, which I've since had to quit cos I can't get the work done. I've reminded myself of past achievements - nothing. I graduated after 3 years of hard work and after wanting a degree from this university since I was 12 years old - I wasn't even excited.
I go to the radio station, I do my work and show, I go to class, I take notes diligently - and the stuff is even interesting. But after I'm done there's no motivation whatsoever to do anything. I come home, I have coffee, I never make proper meals anymore - and I'm a fantastic cook and I used to love cooking. It always cheered me up, and I know I should use it to help me lift my spirits, but I always find an excuse not to. Like right now, I really should be working, so I shouldn't go cook. Not that I am working. The kitchen is full of dishes which my flat mate hasn't washed (it's her turn), so I can't cook. There's no way I'm gonna motivate myself to do dishes.
I got a puppy this year, partly because I've always wanted one, and partly because I thought it may help. My dog died 2 years ago, and I was very attached to him. I still cry whenever I think about it. But it was time to get Bella and she's beautiful. I play with her and it makes me happy, but I never make the effort to do special things with her. Today I wanted to take her to the botanical gardens to play around. Like with everything else, though I want to do it and it's interesting or exciting or fun, I just find excuses not to. I procrastinate. I procrastinate even to the extent that I put off fun things.
I spend most of my time sleeping, playing computer games or watching TV. But even while I do these things, I feel guilty. I have this sense that I'm always meant to be doing something else. Which means I always feel guilty. I hate it. I know I should change it. I know what to do to change it. But I don't.
I can't take it anymore. I just can't do it. Life is so much effort for so little reward. Or any reward that means anything at all.
I can't deal with the expectations on me and the thought of letting everyone down and letting myself down and how much I'll resent myself if I don't do well and I hate that I am this way. I want to cry and scream and cry and cry. I fight with my boyfriend just to fight - just to cry. I don't care what about but I just want to cry.
I tell myself - You're pathetic, hundreds of people would kill for your position. Get up, do something, live your life. But no. I don't. I can see the solutions right in front of me. I'm not stupid. I know what's happening. My IQ is 180 for goodness sake. I need to focus on my work - create a sense of achievement. Pack the PC away. Disconnect the TV. get a buddy to go for walks with. Pay for gym so that you can exercise - I used to be an athlete for my country. Tell someone. Talk to someone. Get help. See a doctor. Play outside. Run, swim, sing. Be creative, paint or draw or write stories. I know all this. Eat right.
Do the things you enjoy - cook, take photo's, develop yourself and your skills. Bla bla. I don't want to. I really really just do not bloody want to. I want to fade away into darkness and just no longer be anywhere at all. Switch off my brain, my life, everything, everyone I would hurt if I wasn't here.
hello disallusioned, u listen to me plz coz i dont despence advice period, coz i hate everyone. but u strike me a girl that is so used to being successfull at everything you do, but as you get older you realize that you have to do things that u dont like, such is life, and im not being smart. u sound as if u have put so much effort into your self, but for other people, why?? do u have an IQ 180 so u can say u have one, or do have this because you wanted to have a high IQ for personal reasons. again im not being smart, just trying to make you think why you are like u are. have you been living life for everyone else, or you?? being proactive is one thing, but being overbaring on your self is another, understand that these 2 words mean different things. i think you were proactive for other people, energetic for other people, to see that u will be successfull, when in reality, no-one may care but you. why would you think that image is anything to be proud of. coz really, at the end of the day, no-one really does give a **** who or what you r. it comes down to you in the end, this is why depression is so personal, because its to do with you and only you. plz try to lay off your boyfriend with pointless fighting, u will bring him down in the end and that just isnt fair on him. when u feel like crying, damn well cry! i will tell you a bit about me without telling u who i am and why i may know about this ****. i was sexually abused and beaten within an inch of my life most days when i was a kid,i was made to fight my dad closed fists since i was 7, i was kicked out of home at 13 and have lived independently ever since. im now 28. depression has taken me for such a ride, i was diagnosed with mannic depression at 23 even though depression was with me my whole life. i see a phyc weekly but still no releif. the fact you still find your studies interesting is good. because depression is such a personal thing, it helps to give your brain a break from head laps. anything that you do well, or enjoy doing will ultimately improve your day, but be sure it is what YOU like doing, not what will look good to everyone else. everyone says life is what u make of it, but its a shame that depression makes life when you have it. you will hear the frase "life is what u make of it" mostly from people who are enjoying life, because to them...they have made it, they need no more improvement because they beleive that there is nothing to improve upon, and it is usually these people who scream bloody mary when they break a toe nail, then they will ponder on it untill it heals, this is as far as suffering goes for these people, but in the end its not there fault, they have had a good, happy life and good for them. but when they start saying "cheer up, it cant be that bad". coz "that bad" to them means for eg. having no money or having a tree they planted die. things that u or i may take as a walk in the park are actually the crapiest stuff that has ever happend to them. so feeling crappy doesnt seem that bad to them. when you say you arnt motivated after class or work, you r actually discribing nearly every1. i hate being disturbed by anyone while im doing anything and when im finshed, i still dont want people to disturb me when im having a bit of time for myself. as you get older, you need this time for yourself, and friends are kept at arms length. they r still there, but just not always when you want them to be. it is awesome to be young and still very socially active, but life will get in the way sooner or later as u age, coz if life is to be lived comfortably, friends will take a backseat coz they too have lives to live. and if they arnt yet, u r just growing much faster than your friends. i honestly think you are bored with life coz you have done so much in such a short time, so options to keep yourself amused with life have run dry. why limit yourself only to the things you are comfortable with. get out and scare yourself daily and dont stop till you r scared. learn to respect yourself and know that there is no limit to what you can do....think about it for a sec......coz from what you have told me about u, i think u are bored with mainstream life and thats not a bad thing, it just means that you personally, are built for this "world game" and i think you could win hands down if only you will see that ur options are limitless. so what if u dont see your friends much, they know where to find you dont they??? go to a day spa or something. u put so much work into being you, that you forget what you really want. i think at the moment, all you need to hear is that someone notices you. being far away from your BF cant help either, both so lonely but cant get unlonely coz of distance. dont feel bad if you want to go on living your life, coz u very well could be waiting a while for you and your bf to be together, and do u really deserve to live in depression land till he does turns up again. i think you r very lonely and i feel sorry for you, but only u can make a change. life is endless work for very little reward for sum, but if we were to be rewared everytime we turn around, there would be no good days after a while. sometimes you have to eat saw dust to realise just how thirsty you really are. consider me your sawdust plz and know that any time u need to speak to someone that isnt a part of your life, i will be here. or write to my email which is * removed * if you want a mysterious shoulder to cry on with no personal attachment to you. i promise to always tell you just how it is, u just have to be willing to listen too when i reply. if you would like to know more about me write me, but under no circumstances will we ever try to meet. i am only words on a screen and want to stay that way, for i dont wish to be emotionally involved in you, as people do when they start helping eachother. i am cyber "turbokid" and thats all u will say when talking to others about me. i am a recluse but live a famous life in oz. not good for me but certain people get off on having knowing stuff about someone proffesionally involved in sport. just know that there are other like minded people out there, and that your friends may grow to be people that you may not want to spend too much time with, and dont u dare feel guilty, for im sure that some of your friends say this about you too. but i will finish here by saying to you one more time....SUCH IS LIFE, and life's not what u make of it, but what it makes of you. plz just remember this. take care and i hope u heal up soon. i live in the dark world you feel u want to be in, but i know you dont so even though it is so dark that u cant see in here with me, i can lead you to a wall and an exit, though i am not permitted to leave here, incase i find more people like you, dont feel bad for me coz i like it in here, im warm and comfortable now. bye for now. turbokid
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