I am married (12 Years) with 2 children.
I think my problems started when my Dad died when I was only 11 (25 years ago). My mum spent all her time at our local chapel dealing with it in her way but I never actually spoke with anyone or dealt with his death properly until I was 20ish.
i spent a lot of years resenting her for this and as such have never had a proper mother/daughter relationship. I still cannot mention my dad around her and whenever she does I always change the subject. My biggest problem is that I have built up barriers and find it very difficult to open up to people and this now means that I cannot make friends but desperatly want to, I just don't know how. Don't get me wrong I know a lot of people and talk regularly I just feel that I don't have any true friends whom I could rely on or talk to about my problems.
I suffered post-natal depression with my 2nd child but there where a lot of other factors contributing to it at the time. My Husband was in the Army and managed to carry on with a full career and enjoy all the sports and training opportunities that brings with it - he didn't seem to appreciate that I gave up my career in the Army and my life was put on hold while our chidren where small. He often went off on jollies while I was left at home with a baby and a toddler.
I was anti-depressants at the time which helped a lot and I also went to see a counsellor. The counselling was not the best so I gave up.
My husband left the Army and we set up a new life in Wales 3 years ago. It was fantastic. It has been only the last 6 months that I am feeling desperate again. I feel that when we are with friends and i try to join in the conversation that I get completely ignored ( these are mainly my husbands friends) and my self esteem just get lower and lower. It has got to a point where I have now told my husband that I don't feel that I can socialise with them anymore as I am going to snap one day and i will regret it. This is just festering in me and I now feel that nobody wants to listen to me and everything I say is worthless and I am worthless. i want to be beautiful and perfect but I wish I could just accept who I am.
I understand where all my problems stem from- My dad dying, being hurt by friends when I was young - I now don't trust people. People think I'm really confident but no-body knows how much I hurt inside and desparetly want to be liked and have a close friend. I get really paranoid and spend nights worrying that I've said the wrong thing to someone. I always look at others and wish I could be just like them.
My husband is not very good at being affactionate and I desperately want to feel loved. We have sex about 3 times a year and it's normally me instigating it. I then get paranoid that he is having an affair - he's says he never would.
My kids are wonderful and so happy. I try not to let them know what I'm really like inside as they are both confident and outgoing.
Don't get me wrong I am no shrinking violet and I've a great life and done lots and have so much but why am i so unhappy with me!!???!!!!!!
I would love some answers!!: