I don't understand this
Three months ago I had a seizure, during the seizure I stopped breathing for 5 minutes. After i was released from the hospital The doctor informed me that i have to stop working for awhile, stop school for the semester, stop driving for six months and relax; which is easier said than done (at least for me). Two weeks into my vacation from life, I started to become severely depressed and this depression is still with me today.
You have to understand that I have never been a person who has boughs of depression. I have always been the type of person that could get through anything that was thrown at me; and trust me I had a lot of hardships sent my way well I was growing up. Which is why I am unable to understand why I canít get past this? My motherís drug and alcohol abuse, her @#$% boyfriend who would come into my room with no cloths on (because he was so drunk that he didn't know where he was) my ex-husband who thought that verbal and physical abuse was how you showed the other person you love them and the six years I spent on my own raising my daughter has never brought me to the place I am know.
When I was six months preganante I walked around and found a place to live, i signed up for government assistance and started to make a life for my daughter and myself. When i had my daughter I decided that I should go back to school; so I packed my bags and left the place I called home to live in a place I did not like, so that I could start and finish school. I promised myself that my daughter would never have to suffer the way I did as a child. I finished school and applied for a master program (which I got in). I also contacted her father, who was also looking for us. We got back together and he moved to be with us.
My life is good and i have nothing to be sad about, but I am. One minute I'm fine and the next minute I'm severely depressed. I'm seeing a counselor and she recommended that I get some anti-depression medication (short term of course) but Iím afraid to take it, because it was a prescription drug that caused the seizure in the first place. I'm at a loss; I can't keep going on like this. I feel useless, un-happy, I feel like I'm a bad mother, I don't want to go anywhere and I'm starting to hate myself. I know that this is physiological, but that person inside of me keeps telling me that I have to stop being weak and start taking responsibility for how I feel.
I'm so lost and so sad, I just can't seem to make myself be happy. I get mad at myself for being like this, which makes things even worse I'm my own worst enemy and I know that I'm causing my depression to be worse then what it is. I want to be able to wake up and feel happy, like i use to. I'm so scared that it's going to get worse instead of better. I never wanted to put my daughter through the same ordeal I went through as a child, but it seem like the past is repeating its self, I'm hoping that this site will help me get through the anxiety and depression that I feel daily.
<edited: removed identifying details. Please read the rules in the FAQ.>