I have had a severe chronic depression since I was in my early teens. Sometimes it would leave for a while, but it always came back worse than ever. I have been taking antidepressants since they were invented.
I am now semi-retired and the depression is so bad I can't control it. It is getting worse by the day. I always feel like it is my fault I am like this, even though I know I'm not. I feel guilty all the time. I can barely leave the house. I have seen a phychiatrist practically all my life to prescribe medications.
I am now taking three different antidepressants, and every time I tell my doctor my depression is getting worse, he adds on another pill. I know I will have to take medication all my life, but nothing is working. I take Paxil, Buprophin, and Doxipin. Plus Lorrazapan for panic attacks. The panic attacks are getting so bad that I am just a mess. I am so unhappy and I have no reason to be. My husband is fine. I have 4 sons, 10 grandchildren that are doing wonderful. They all live close to me. I am ashamed to say that when they come to visit I lock the doors and pretend I am not home. I am so scared that I am going to spend the remaining years I have so sick and depressed that I can't live anything like a normal life. I don't want to be happy, I just want to feel like other people do. I am so filled with fear, guilt and horrible, debilitating depression, I just don't know what to do.
As I write this, tears are just rolling down my face. I need help so badly, and I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening. Judy T[/B][/B]
You are not alone, there are many of us who have suffered from depression and have periods of almost wellness and then fall deeper in. It sounds to me like you need a different psychiatrist someone who will actually listen to you!! Did you have a tough childhood, what is the underlying reason for your guilt & depression? There is a book that I have read that really helped me understand my chronic depression, it is called Shame & Guilt:Masters of Disguise by Jane Middleton-Moz. I never understood why I could not be like other people, until I read this, please try to find it and read it, I know it will help you. Also, either go to your current psychiatrist and get him/her to listen or seek a second opinion, you are on a lot of medication and should be feeling better not worse!! Don't give up! There is always hope, sometimes you just have to fight a little to see the light!! Take care, God bless you and remember, you are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. Keep posting!!
Hi Neighbor (I' in Butler)
I know how it is to be depressed and not want to do anything. Ever since I lost my mom 9 years ago I have slowly become depressed and have panic attacks. Sometimes I think locking yourself inside makes it worse, i know it does for me. Try to look for the things that make you happy (for me it's shopping)
Good luck to you and you're not alone!