Feeling Lost in LA
At 23 I was told I have anxiety and mood disorder. I was put on Wellbutrin and Topamax.
A little over a year and a half ago I met "A." We connected. But I was from Florida and he was in LA. The job market in Fla where I was, was going downhill fast as it was and I decided, at 24, why not, take a risk, go out there, have an adventure, see what could happen. So I did.
I moved out to LA 7 months ago. And in the beginning things were fantastic. I also stopped taking my medication. The move was tough, although I was excited. I had landed a great new job, found a great apartment, the whole shebang. But I was really miserable about leaving my parents behind. I was absurdly close with them. I probably spent more time hanging out with my parents than I did my own friends. But I made the move. And things were good. And I was having fun. I wasn't making a lot of new friends - A and I were leading a pretty insular life, but I hung out with his friends occassionally with him, and he pretty much moved in with me. We got a second dog (who had a puppy, but thats a whole other story - And I had brought my own dog out with me). So we decided to get a house together (we are still looking). I was excited. My parents I tihnk were a little wary but they would never judge and were supportive all the way.
A month ago I found out I was pregnant. We decided the best course of action would be to terminate. So we did. We found out the fetus stopped developing. It was already dead anyway. I was ok for about half a week after that.
And then everything came crashing down. I began questioning my relationship. So much so that I ended it. I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling (paranoia? anxiety?) that I Had to choose between my family and A so I chose my family. He was confused, hurt, angry. We fought. He wound up speaking to my dad. We stayed together. But it's been downhill from there. My anxiety has skyrocketed and all I want is to be iwth my parents. I miss them so badly at times it hurts and I cry constantly. "A" is tired of hearing that I miss them. He's been as supportive as he can be, even taking me to the ER when my anxiety attacks got to be too much to handle.
I found a doctor out here and am back on meds (only a week so they aren't really kicking in yet) and have my first therapist appoint tonight). But lately all I do is question my relationship, question the man who is trying to keep it together to help me, the man I used to look forward to waking up to every day, the guy who used to put the biggest smile on my face, the reason I packed up and moved out here in the first place....and try to fight the urge to just get myself and my dog on a plane and head back to my parents. Right now they are all I want. Part of me wants him to just break up with me so I have the excuse to run home. I'm miserable. And I feel so very lost.
Im sorry this was so long.