I have essentially felt the way that I do my entire life. Up until I was 11 or so, I was able to handle things ok (more to the point I was able to hide my feelings). At this point things went down hill for me very quickly. I had been quite successful at a number of sports and was an accomplished musician. After a series of events, nothing brought me joy anymore and I became terrified of making friends because I knew that they would die at some point. This was proven may times over as the years progressed (I now only have 2 friends left alive). While I know that everyone dies, usually people get out of their teens before this occurs.
I find myself constantly thinking about them and wishing I could be with them. I feel like I am letting my family down too, which doesn’t help matters. My partner is very understanding, but doesn’t like me talking about it, so for the most part I don’t speak about any of the things that happened. I have tried talking to Doctors, Psychologists and Psychiatrists about my past, but they usually just look at me shocked and tell me I should be psychotic… not very helpful.
I was diagnosed as having PTSD in conjunction with severe depression, bipolar, mania, suicidal tendencies and a variety of social disorders (I have been told these can be attributed to PTSD though) and also have lived with Chronic pain for the last 20 years.