jynn0629

I do not believe there is enough space or attention to post my entire story, I will try to just highlight.
I have had depression from childhood with no help. I suffered abuse to top the already depression that ran in my family. I was not an outward suffering person, I hid it and most times banged my head on the wall. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 12.
Getting married and having a family was what I thought the answer was. I just wanted to care for others and have the true love of a child. I tried to be super mom and wife. It didnt go so well. My ex husband and I had problems, mostly due to his school and work. I had depression mostly and manic spells where I just wanted to go go go. My ex got mad everytime I went into depression and said bad things about me for it. I finally broke down and went to the Dr. I was given different medications and switched when they didnt work. After my 5th pregnancy, 3rd child I went through post partum depression, it was severe. I went to the Dr due to my ex rediculing me for my feelings and the times I lie in the floor in tears. I was medicated, I thought I felt better but I wasnt, the manic episodes got a whole lot worse and then I didnt really know who I was or what I was doing. \

I went to the Dr about my medication. my medication was altered. I really lost myself. I cant tell you about those 2 years because I do not remember it. I know I tried to find myself in college and through theater and music and ofcourse doing everything I could for my children. I was at an inbetween in my manic depressive cycle.




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My last trip to the hospital I was there a long time. I went off my medication after leaving the hospital due to a mistake insurance made. I spent weeks going through withdrawals and convulsions and night terrors. I made it even though I was told I might die. I finally got myself together and divorced my ex. The depression was there but I finally felt I had some value and he was just making me worse. Only problem, they visited their dad on the weekends and I would drink to kill the pain.

I went back into the hospital another time for anerexia.
I guess it was a year later I met my current husband. It was temporary euphoria. I was happy. He made me feel special. It didnt take long until the depression came back and continued to worsen. I got help at the mental health center, I was scared due to all the bad medicines I had been given, but they promised to be there. I was put on lamictal and klonopin and an anti depressant. It wasnt long until I felt what I would think to be normal. I came off the antidepressant because it made me irratable but the lamictal did great. I could laugh and had energy. I went back to college and got my AS degree, got a job and felt pretty good. There were still sad times but I could handle it. Getting the job took me out of the mental health program.

Then I got injured and had to leave my job due to surgery. I was unable to get back into my program and could no longer get my medication. It hasnt taken me long to hit rock bottom. Im back to feeling worthless . My husband doesnt like me taking medication. I guess he blames himself for how I am, I have tried to help him understand, its not him that caused this but he does worsen it if he is cruel about it. I told him just yesterday, I am tired of being his problem. He finally got my medication. Ijust hope that I can show him that I will get better and be what I need to be to him. I am just worn out, teenagers do not help matters. I have to help them.