paperhearts

So...never posted here before, but I thought this would be the best place right now to ask for help. Maybe?

I'm a 20 yr. old girl and I've been struggling with cycles of stress and depression since I was a teenager. Now I feel that I brought it upon myself- I was a pill popper and did some drugs very early, and I feel like I made myself more prone to stress/depression. I've always been this way....a mess for a few months...and then fine for a few months. Then my emotions got out of control. (sadness, guilt, stress, snapping at people) I got prescribed to so many different meds! (starting at age 14)They didn't help at all. At least I don't remember them helping more than a tiny bit. I cannot believe I took so many different things! Paxil, Zoloft, Lexapro, Cymbalta, Valium, even sleeping pills for anxiety...

When I turned 17 or so, I stopped and haven't been on anything since. I absolutely despised pills, and I still have an aversion to them.

*The Now*
I'm almost 21. I'm much better now that as a teenager. I know I'm lucky- I'm satisfied with my looks, health, and thankful for a good family and I know I have many opportunities....but I still have cycles of major stress and depression. I get stressed and snap at people! But I feel soooo guilty about everything. I moved back in with my parents because I want to focus on school and not worry about money. It is getting worse! And It is VERY hard to focus on school work. I pull my hair out because I can't be the amazing student I want to be. Though I KNOW it is stress that is in my way. I lose friends. (though I'm trying to make new ones) My boyfriend can't deal with it. Absolutely not! He has just seen a new side of me. He doesn't get it. He gets irritated and tells me to just be happy and makes me feel like I am doing this on purpose, and straight up blames me for his unhappiness. He said I need help. He's the only one I felt comfortable talking to about this, and he thinks I'm a freakin' nut-job. I don't have insurance, but he really wants me to "get help" and possibly be on meds again. AHH! Not that again! He doesn't get it. But I'm debating talking to someone. I am even getting tempted to do drugs again! I can live with depression, but I want to make it liveable and not freak out the people around me! What next? Does anyone kind of understand?