Down in a hole.......
That describes my life. How many times have I crawled out of the hole in my 23 years on this earth? Too many to remember. Each time I fall back into it however, I dig the bottom down a bit deeper, so when I inevitably fall back in, it's a much harder landing than it was before.
I have Bipolar disorder, major depression, social anxiety, and am also struggling with substance abuse as a way to medicate myself. I take my prescribed medication here and there, and when I take it right things usually even out. But it just seems like it's not enough. I'm missing something still.
When I was a boy, I was always quiet and shy. I always felt nervous around people and I took great joy in my time alone. I loved being alone. Now I despise it. I'm a fairly intelligent person, and if I had the motivation, I could accomplish many things. I did well in school, when I felt like it, cuz I think I've been depressed in some form or another since I busted out the womb.
I grew up somewhat poor, in a trailer, but I had a happy childhood. I have no regrets about any of it. Except the lack of a father. He has never been there, and I think it has left a lingering feeling of inadequacy. He chose a life of crime and prison over having anything to do with his son.
The problems didn't start to really "get bad" until I was about 17. It seemed I would go through these cycles, and they got progressively worse as the years dragged on. I would just shut down, and want to be left alone. I quit jobs. I put strain on my relationship with my gf of 6 years. I'd lay in bed and just want to die.
Then in 2008, I stumbled upon a double edged sword to cut down my depression. I had smoked pot before, I had drank before, but it never got out of hand. Now though, there was this urge to do them all the time. I knew I was self medicating, but I didn't want to stop. The combination of drugs, alcohol, and bipolar disorder took its toll, and I destroyed my relationship with gf. I got violent towards her on many occasions, and it wasn't cuz I was drunk either. I never blamed any of my actions on drinking, it was always cuz I just let things build up and then I'd explode. She herself had problems of her own, so you take two mentally unstable, codependant people, get them stoned and drunk, throw in social isolation on my part, and her pushing, trying to coerce me out of my hole, and it's a recipe for disaster. I went to jail.
After that, after losing her, after losing my mind, it all got so very worse. I went through bouts of alcoholism again after quitting and trying to stabilize myself, loneliness crept in and settled deep in my soul. I'm worse off now emotionally and mentally than I have ever been before. I feel worthless, like the scum of the earth. I just wish I could disappear. Then I remember how I got here. I had perservered somehow. I'm more resilient than I give myself credit for. But all of my self imposed hell is getting to me. I don't know how much more I can take. Something has to give.......and I have nothing left to give I don't think.