my road to recovery
I have been dealing with depression and social anxiety for as long as I can remember.
I remember feeling guilty, overwhelmed and humiated for things that shouldnt have botherd me when I was a child... as young a 6... maybe younger.
I've always been quiet, shy, and have felt like Ive been under constant scrutiny my entire life.
My childhood was good, my parents loved me and were very involved.
Then I hit my teens... and my family fell apart. My parents alcoholism started to show.... and they fought constantly.... and never failed to drag me right into the middle of it.
Ive been forced to choose sides, and be a caretaker for my parents for many years.
My father moved out for a few months surrounding a lot of infidelity on his part, but soon returned because he feared leaving my brother and I alone with my mother.... the fighting resumed.... worse than ever.
In this time I met the most important person in my life... my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He helped me through everything... he gave me hope... he made me happy.
Then I went to college... and my depression started to spiral out of control. Once I was out of the middle of all the madness in my house, I started to truely feel the effects....
I cant remember the last time I went even a week without a complete meldown.... or more than a few days without crying. Its been years.
I continued to drag myself along... just getting by and doing what i needed to do... which alone exhausted me. I had friends... and some things that made me happy.... especially my boyfriend.... he was the only thing that brought happiness as intense as all the sadness I was going through.
Three years go by.... I keep slipping down my slope of depression.... and struggling to keep my life together... and make the future I wanted with the man I love.
He suggested I get help.... so I did. I start seeing a therapist which did make a considerable difference... I thought I was going to make it through this.
but the crying never stopped...
I eventually drove the man I love away because he couldnt deal with me being so sad all the time... it was dragging him down too much....I was causing him to be depressed with me.
Then... 2 months ago my life took a huge downward turn. The pain of loosing my significant other was nearly unbearable because I had struggled so much to make it work.... then my parents filed for divorce... my mom started spiraling as well and treating me worse than ever... our relationship is almost at the point where its not salvagable.
Then, my apartment was broken into.... twice. My sense of security dissappeared.... i was a wreck.
After the first breakin private photos that were on my laptop turned up on a very personal place on the internet....
Something intimate and private i did for someone I loved and trusted was turned into something disgusting.... I felt completely violated... disgusting... used.... horrible about my already shakey self image.
Add the second break in, and multiple other stressors.... and you have my turning point.
Well that... and my ex telling me I drive him and everyone else crazy with my negativity and depression....
Ive lost friends, Ive prevented friendships from developing, and worst of all... I lost the man I love....
depression has ruined my life...
So... I made the hardest decision of my short life... I admitted i need help... and I got over my fear of medication.
I'm on my first week of zoloft.... and part of me is hopeful... and the other part is absolutely terrified.
I'm hopeful that I'll finally have a chance to feel normal.... feel content.... and have a chance at prolonged happiness.
I'm hopeful that once I'm healthy I can start repairing strained and broken relationships.
I can start repairing my life.
Depression has hurt me in more ways than i can count... and I'm angry with myself for letting it go as far as I did.
I'm angry I didnt get help sooner.
I'm angry I allowed it to cause so much damage.
Ive not only hurt myself... Ive hurt other people....
and I'm terrified Ive allowed it to go beyond repair.
I hate who I am right now... I hate who Ive been for years....
I've always known there was a much better person in here somewhere.... and Ive tried so damn hard to be that person.... but I failed time and time again.
I hope this will be my chance to finally be able to be that person Ive always wanted to be.