It's hard to know where to start. I've gotten a rough deal on a lot of things in life, others not so bad. I made my first suicide attempt at age 13. All that happened to me was I developed ringing ears that have never gotten better.
I hurt myself in my teens and in my 20's, I've seen four psychiatrists (one of whom I was in therapy with for over ten years) and had counseling with countless therapists for a good period of my life. I've given up on counseling....I can't afford to tell my counselors about everything that's happened to me, especially now that I have no insurance. Not that any of these people have really, at least in my opinion, helped me. And I have invested a lot of money, time, and effort.
I believe the beginning factors leading to my depression were my mother's extreme alcoholism, my dad's non-contribution to the family, the fact that I have five brothers and sixteen current or ex sisters-in-law (a few of whom I became close with, and then had to say goodbye to forever)
I had no one in life to teach me how to develop any drive or passion for anything. I lack any significant female role models in my life.
I began getting sick in childhood....trouble with bowel movements (extreme pain) then migraines, then depression, then was diagnosed with severe diverticulosis in my 20's, then IBS, then in my 30's I developed breast cancer from which I had many, many complications, mostly surgical, and now I'm sliced up like a discarded cantaloupe with a giant hole in my armpit, and a seriously deformed breast. At least I remain cancer free now, some 16 years later.
Then I began to develop severe pain in my right leg. It was similar to sciatica, but much, much worse. I was in a wheelchair for a few years and ended up taking enough painkillers that I became dependent on them.
Then I had a heart attack at age 44-killed about 15% of my left ventricle. At that point....because I could barely get around and because I was so freaked out about this unbelievable series of events that were plaguing me, I kind of just shut down and decided there was no point in investing (emotionally) in anything. I sat like a lump on a couch, dressed in jammies, and stopped caring.
In 2006 I had gall bladder surgery which seemed to go OK, until the next day when I started experiencing abdominal pain so severe I honestly had an urge to go crawl off and die. A clip had come loose on one of the ducts they clamped, and bile was collecting in my abdomen. I was in the hospital for two-one week sessions, in that extreme pain the entire time, and not until more than three weeks after the surgery did the doctor figured out bile was spewing everywhere, causing a condition known as chemical peritonitis. It was 100 times more pain than my heart attack. I survived that, too.
Then my migraines, over a few years, morphed into what are called "transformed migraines." There really isn't any treatment. I get one probably once a week and no triptans or preventatives do anything for me anymore.
Last year, my business failed to the point where we could no longer sustain our lifestyle. We ended up filing bankruptcy and lost both our home and our investment property. Not to mention long-term employees, insurance, etc. etc. The business still exists, but we're lucky if we make 100 bucks a day....usually much less....whereas we used to make almost a million a year less than ten years ago.
I have a 25 year old son and a fairly understanding husband, plus five cats that are the love of my life. (after my family, of course....though the cats ARE part of my family) Still, I can't get excited about anything. I seem to be unable to form positive thoughts, any time I do or plan anything stress starts increasing my migraines and anxiety get worse, and oh, I forgot to mention that I also now have a bowel that is so full of adhesions and diverticula that they couldn't even advance a pediatric scope past the first six inches of the colon. THAT doc recommended a virtual colonoscopy. I can't afford that or anything else. I have been offered no treatment for now what turns into bouts of violent abdominal pain so intense I get sweaty and shocky and think I'm going to die.
So after all of this happening in my life (and not too many successes at anything, and fear now to try anything at all because I get migraines and stomach problems constantly unless I attempt to keep myself locked up in the house and stress-free as much as possible) I guess I am to the point where it seems like I've done it all, tried it all, and gotten nowhere. Starting to wonder what the point is.
I'm 53, female, taking Prozac 80 mg daily and Xanax 2.5 mg. daily. (that's a lot, and I've been on it practically since Prozac and Xanax were born. Tried Zoloft....similar to Prozac.. Wellbutrin-no help. Desipramine (way back when) no help. Amitryptyline-no help. Cymbalta....made me MUCH worse. Now that I no longer have insuranceI feel trapped and so incredibly beaten down. Sorry for the long post but I just don't know what to do. I wouldn't consider myself suicidal, I recognize my responsibility to my family, but feel doomed to live a miserable life forever
Thanks to anyone who reads this....I'm kind of lost.
Best to all of you,