Join Date: Jun 2010
I need to let it out somewhere.
I have been feeling low for quite a while now, i have an appointment for the first time with my GP this thursday, but for a while I have been debating whether I am depressed or not.
Right, so, where do i start...
I have always been the weakest link through my life, while growing up the kids around me always liked to pick on me, and in the end the only way i could retaliate was to act strange or try and hit them, but that just made them pick on me even more. I lived in a village in the middle of nowhere with nobody my own age. I used to get very hyperactive about things, positive and negative. And it didn't help me socially.
During high school nothing much changed, people still couldn't get over the fact that i was weird, and the struggle trying to make friends caused me not to focus on my schoolwork and my homework, at the years went on, i used to get more agressive, getting stressed at my work and not being able to concentrate, i was banned from going abroad on a school trip due to my behaviour, and in the end it felt like everyone had given up on me, my teachers, and my ... 'friends'. As the end of high school came, when they started informing u about college, i didn't listen and just decided i wanted to work straight away... and that was the biggest mistake i have ever made.
I struggled to find a job, went on many courses to help me and ended getting an NVQ in retail, doing temp work at HMV. Once that finished I started working at a Cinema... which i have been woring at ever since.
I am 23 now, i started the cinema when i was 18... and now I am starting to suffer. I hate my job, i get no respect and everyday my stress levels get worse and worse... i am starting to feel the rage i used to get in high school, and i don't want to feel that way again, because if it does it would mean shouting, walking out, and chucking random objects. And i can't afford to lose my job now i live on my own in Norwich.
I have no confidence in myself, everything I want to do, I feel i am not good enough. I have a passion for music, constantly trying to play guitar, and would love to learn about making ambient music. But again, i feel like i'm not good enough and i would never have enough money to reach those dreams.
Career struggles aside, Most days I feel that I have no importance in this world. I never get suicidal thoughts, completely the opposite, i always feel down about something, and a few months ago i had a major fear of death. The thought of Dying scares the hell out of me, as i am not religious in any way, i used to have agnostic thoughts, but as time goes on, the reality is that when you die thats it, you can't even imagine what's going to happen because you won't be there. I feel thats one of the major worries i have which stops me from trying anything new, even though it should really make me get motivated!
I have a constant fear that my friends are just trying to use me. But i think thats just paranoia. As i have said, i am so used to people picking on my oddness that I can't imagine being treated in any other way. For example, if a girl talks to me politely or has any kind of friendly intrest in me, i fall in love with them because it feels i rarely get that.
When i first moved to Norwich back in 2004, I had no friends, i never contacted anyone from high school. And once i started working at the cinema i felt i could mae a fresh start. But simular things started to happen, my hyperactivity kicked in again, and again people started to make fun of me and not treat me equally, but this time, people were more mature than high school, obviously so i could deal with it a little better. But inside i never felt equal to anybody.
I have made good friends since then, people who found me interesting and people who would listen and were generally nice to me. But recently, most of those people have moved on. Left to further their careers. Including one of my best friends (most of them were students). Now I am stuck working with mostly 16 - 20 year olds which is a bit depressing as i can't really relate to any of them.
Relationshipwise.... there is none... i have only ever had one girlfriend, and I felt bad about her as I didn't love her that much, I just felt comfort in knowing that someone could love me back. I am the ind of person who hopes there will be somebody who comes along who will make everything good with the world, but at this time it feels like its never going to happen.. i just feel very alone.
Pretty much all my family has suffered with depression, but it's taken me a while to come to terms with the fact I could be depressed, as I worry that i'm just mistaking it for Lazyness, or just feeling sorry for myself.
Anyways, thats enough. I have a lot of worry, and i just don't feel like anythings going to get better. And I need all the help i can get.