Maybe it's just me???
I dont really know how to start. Well, I'm 19 years old, in college, living with family, working, I have a few friends, and I have a boyfriend. So I guess I shouldn't have any reason to feel the way I feel. Usually when I feel like this I do something that makes me feel better, but lately my resources have run out. I'm not sure what I should do anymore. Should I just suck it up and get over it? Am I just being paranoid? All I know is that there is something wrong with me and I dont know how to fix it. I want to be happy, I want to feel happy.
I guess I'll just start with the here and now. Right now I feel relieved, but a few minutes ago I wanted to end my life. I'm not really sure why, I just felt like I'm not helping anybody being here. I feel like there is no use for me to be here. Lately I've been feeling sad, although on the outside people see me as a very happy person. Like when I'm at work and feel like nothing I start to sing or hum to an up beat song and try to make people smile. It makes me happy to know that I could do that, but things are starting to pull me down.
I have lost interest in school. I started college pretty good actually. Kept myself at a steady 2.9 GPA but as second semester hit things kept decreasing. In between first and second semester I got a boyfriend and he's a great guy, I'm still with him infact. Although we are together as a couple I still have been declining just not as fast anymore. I felt like I was trying my hardest during second semester but it was no use, I got put onto acidemic probation. So I tried to do Summer semester but realized it was to much for me and i needed a break.
My sisters on the other hand kept nagging and nagging me, kept telling me i could do it and that they would help but deep down I knew I couldn't...I listened to them and because of that I failed my classes and got suspended. When I told them they gave me the saddest look that made me die alittle inside. Like I was a failer and they looked so disappointed in me. I hate to disappoint people and I hate when people are disappointed in me. I feel like they secretly pity me and that their advice will go to waste if they give it to me.
I went down to visit by boyfriend in Texas and I felt so happy there. I never wanted to leave, I was going to drop out of school and just work and live with him but he convinced me otherwise. Right now he is the only reason why I am staying in school, thats if they will let me come back.
Deep down i know they will let me come back but I keep getting paranoid thinking that its not going to happen and because of that thought I get even more depressed. So I took the semester off and am waiting till they accept me next semester.
My wieght has changed greatly since I started feeling this way. I have lost about 30lbs since I started feeling this way an I would like to think its the healthy way and maybe some of it is but my eating habits have changed even more within the past couple weeks. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I will see someone who is fat and ugly and I get so disgusted with myself that I have to put on make up and pretty cloths to make myself feel better. When I was down in Texas I never war any of that and I felt perfectly fine, I felt better then fine actually. But when I came back I just felt like I needed to cover up again. Because of this I decreased my eating but not to the point where anybody really notices the change. But when I feel a burst of sadness I look for comfort in chocolate and chick flicks about love. Which only makes me more sad because I live up here and my boyfriend lives across the country. Within the past 2 weeks I have lost almost 5lbs, I dont think thats a good thiing.
I get tired so much even though I sleep alot. My days consist of sleeping and work. I sleep from 9-11 hours now and im still tired. I cant sleep somtimes because I get paranoid and feel like someone or something is watching me. I start to hear little noises and sometimes see things that aren't really there and the only way for me to go to sleep is if I fall asleep on the phone with my boyfriend or if I shut my eyes tightly and pull the covers over every inch of my body so that I know nothing can get me. Sometimes it feels like there are little or invisible bugs crawling on me and I have to move around or cratch to make it go away. I will dream something really good but then it turns into a horror and I wake up with tears down my face. I wont go back to sleep after that unless I persuade my boyfriend to fall asleep on the phone with me. If I cant get ahold of him then I just wont fall asleep. I get so scared sometimes and I feel like my heart is going to explode. I start to get twitchy and have agruments with myself about how im just being paranoid. Then i get mad at myself for even trying to talk to myself. Its more like one of those arguments u have in a grociery store about wheather u should by the whole milk or the 2% milk. My room cant be completely dark and when it is I keep my cell phone on or my computer on just for the light.
Its 4:00 am and I cant sleep because im hearing thing, not in my head but in my room. I also talk or write to much when Im nervious or scared, like kind of right now. Sometime I get so nervious or paranoid that i give myself a headache or migrain.
Some days at work I will be happy and show it, other days my movement and pace is slower but nobody notices. Sometimes I will walk fast when Im mad but when I feel like ive disappointed someone I will move as slow as possible without anyone noticing.
I feel guilty about everything and I say sorry way to much even if it doesnt make sense at the time. Then people ask me why I say sorry and I end up appologizing for having said it, then that frustraights me more and i get mad at myself. Then I start to get paranoid that people are watching me to see if i will say it again. I try to act cool about it like I did it on purpose and was just trying to be funning for mocking myself. But when Im at work or with friends I have a clear mind, I feel fine.
The big one, thoughts of death or suicide. As you already know I do think about it, more and more often now. I read something tonight that made me not want to attempt it. If I had tried to honestly it would have been my
5th time. The first 3 times happened over 3 or 4 years ago. My 4th happened about a year and a half ago. But the first time I thought about it was at the end of 7th grade. At each of those times I have felt the same thing except I didnt have a boyfriend or friends at the time.
Back then I told my parents that I thought I was depressed and they just laughed at me and told me I was to young to get depressed. So I thought there was just something wrong with me and I kept to myself. I stayed like that for quiet a while. My teachers at school didnt even notice me. Each year or school I skipped at least a months worth of school and for aome reason I was always marked there. Or I would be marked absent but I would be there that day. I would never make myself known in class but I always felt like everyone was looking at me.
That kinda of all changed for me junior year when I met my best friend and after that I was fine, I didnt have any bad thoughts and I felt somewhat happy, like id be fine. Then came college and we were both going to the same one but when we moved here she 4got about me the whole first semester. I kept alive by going to school and trying to make new friends. All I did was go to school and homework. And everytime I thought about her not wanting to be with me I would go to the park and just swing for hours.
Then I moved in town and we began to hang out more but she changed. She got into poppin pills and drinking a lot and now sex. She is still my best friend and I am still hers. Im not going to lie, I have tried weed but only once and that was about a month ago. I have drank but I only do it about twice a month and when I do I almost never get wasted. I have taken a pill called ambien but it was only half a pill and I only did it once. Most of this was under peer preasure and curiousity.
I did not try weed or pills again basically because it did nothing for me. It made me happy for a little bit but it just felt like a useless waste of time for me. I have been clean from all three for a month. I cant say that I would stop the whole drinking a couple times a month but I can say that I probably wont do those other things again.
I added this last part because I dont know if it had or has any affect on whats happening to me again.
For whoever reads this, I'm sorry that I wrote so much but just know that because of all this writing I feel better and less suicidal. All I know is that I dont want to die...I just want someone to help me because I know some of the things in my head are not right.