just want to share
I am a guy, so I have to keep everything bottled in. If I do open-up, I will get told to "man-up" or "get over it." It is hard to hear this from people, because I have battled so many things in my life and gone through my fair share of trials and tribulations. I do not know if I am supposed to feel this way or am right in how feel. I do not know if I am being a weak or lacking joy. I am supposed to be the strong one and must always encourage people around me. I just cannot put a mask on anymore. I just want to cry somedays. I go into fantasyland on other days. I cannot sleep at night and am constantly turning to junk food for some comfort.
My story is fairly simple. During the early part of the 2000's I got stuck in a really bad recession. I decided to work really to get myself in a position that I would not have to go through something like that again. I went back to school, developed strong recommendations, and had a number of job openings. I had finally achieved some level of happiness. I had a great some good job opportunities, loved where I was living, and things seemed cool. Being a married man, my wife and I could have a really good life together.
However, she did not like it and wanted to move to Portland, Oregon. I was adamantly against it, because I had better job opportunities in Denver. It is cheaper to live and Colorado's economy is much than Oregon's economy. Moreover, we could get a cheaper house, more to do, and it offered a little more than Portland, Oregon. She really wanted to move, so we left Denver and came to Oregon.
I am really unhappy living in Oregon. Instead of pursuing job opportunities in Denver, I could only find part-time work in field in Oregon. It has been nothing short of tough. At my old job, I was not thrown into something by myself without little training or direction. I could talk with my boss and get feedback from him and we worked together as a team with other staff. I am the only person working this position in a new city with little or no contacts. I do not know what to expect or am having to wing-it at times. This is working in one of the poorest neighborhoods in the city. We are struggling financially and as I never get paid on time.
I had to pick-up another job to make ends meets. It really sucks. I do inventory and may spend 5 or 6 hours a day in front of a refrigerator door counting pizza. I am not getting home till 8 or 9 o'clock at night at times doing a boring and tedious at one end. On the end, I am doing a job that is nearly impossible.
All this to say is that my wife is getting angry at me about not bringing enough money home and telling me to spend less money. I am completely dependent on her financially as she goes to her comfortable job. Yeah, we have a house Portland is not my home. I do not fit into the city. I have tried to talk with people and I only get the words to man-up, but I am trying really hard to make it work here. It just simply is not working. I come home depressed and unhappy. I feel as lf I cannot do my job right. I am tired and just want to get to sleep. I barely get paid and cannot do anything right.
It is hard to believe that three short years I had a promising career and a good life ahead of me. I worked hard and made the sacrifices to get something going for myself. People saw me as smart, hardworking, and dedicated. I am now seen as lazy, incompetent, and worthless. It is hard to believe that everything I worked for is completely and utterly shattered. I feel horrible about myself. Every once of passion and modicum of happiness is completely gone from my life. I am depressed, angry, bitter, and full of regret.
I try putting on a happy face and living my life but I just cannot. I do not know what is wrong with me. I feel dark inside. I feel lost. I feel just worthless. I am really trying to make it work. I want to go somewhere else. I want this to end.
Last edited by Administrator; 08-09-2012 at 10:43 AM.