what i have never told
i'm very new to this whole concept, but lately i have been feeling overwhelmed and have no one a can talk to.....so here i am checking out online sites as a means to vent, release, unload.....whatever you would like to call it. slightly pathetic but what can you do.
If i am to be honest, I have never once, ever told anyone how I have been feeling. So now I'm here to tell a small story about myself that no one will hear again. but I feel i need to get this out so I have some room inside me again.
I used to be very depressed in highschool, no one knew about it though. It eventually lead to thoughts of self harming. And just to clarify.....I had a really good life and up bringing, there was absolutely no reasons for me to be depressed like I was, which made it all the more confusing and frustrating for me. It was so hard for myself to not even to be able to understand my feelings. The idea that i should feel so terrible was baffeling to me.
obviously i conquered those feelings, otherwise i would not be here today. But lately I can feel myself spiralling even deeper then I have been before, only this time I have a fair (but not great) reason. But of course as usual I can not talk about it to anyone.......
So here is what I think is the first reason for my new downfall.
I have been in a secret relationship for 7 years. Absolutely no one knows about it. I have no doubt that people have had guesses. but for seven years I have loved and been loved by someone who is so damn important to me and i have not been able to tell a soul.
Obviously it is hard to understand why someone would keep something so important a secret. well.....the reason is because the person I love is a woman.
I know that many people are open in gay reelatioships, but we can not. and we will never. we live together, love each other, commit to each other, and care for each other......but we can not be who we want to be outside these four walls.
I have never once considered myself to be gay, neither has she. But through our friendship we both found something that was so special. And it is definately not a phase, 7 years can vouch for that.
But because we can never be open, we know that it is nearly time to go seperate ways.....its too hard for both of us to live secret lives forever. Also she has a child who only gets older and more understanding of the situation. He is my godson and I love him as much as if he were mine.
And I have to lose them both to someone else, who could never love them as much as me.....because we can never be open together.
the thought makes me want to rip myself apart but I know that it is whats best for them.
I don't expect anyone to understand the situation, I can't say I've ever heard of anyone being in my place before......though if it was a secret i guess i would never hear about it.
So now......one of the hardest things for me is that I cant talk to anyone about how I feel about the situation. if anyone asked me what was wrong, I cant say "its because i'm losing the people i love the most", i cant show my jealousy to anyone who takes my place by her side, i cant explain why i'm so against relationships for myself when others try to set me up.
everthing i feel is internalised and it has been slowly, but surely, eating me away and i can feel little parts of myself dying inside with every breath i take.
People break up, people move on. My logical side tells me these obvious things. But i can never seem to reign in the thoughts that if i was ever to lose these people, that i could surely not continue, that i will cease to be if these people who are so important in my life are ripped from it.
I am not here for advice....or support.....or anything.
I just felt that if only I put it out there, that someone, somewhere would read it and know, maybe understand. and i will have at least given some of the darkness away.