I spend a lot of time by myself. I am lonely but at the same time I usually would rather be alone than with people. I dont have any close friends. I have my husband.
I guess I have always struggled with depression because feeling this way seems normal. Sometimes I think about going to see a doctor. But it feels like this is part of who I am and it is scary to think about changing me.
Sometimes its not so bad. My depression is hidden away. I go to work and I smile and I laugh. I never get to close to people... never show them who I really am... but I try to be fun and some one they will all like. I am polite and I always try to say the right thing.
Then I come home and I am tired. So tired. Most days all I want to do is go to sleep. When my husband works a lot and doesn't come home... I often go to sleep at 5:30 sometimes as early as 4:00. I love to sleep. Some weekends I hardly leave my bed. I sleep until noon and the then read or watch tv in bed then go to sleep at 8:00. Nothing gets done and I feel guilty but when I think about doing things I feel overwhelmed.
When my husband has to go to work unexpectedly it devastates me or if he wants to go visit his family I get so upset. I never want to go visit anyone and I get almost jealous when he wants to. It feels like he loves me less or that I am not enough to make him happy. We fight about this often. Lots of times after we fight I feel this almost lifelessness. I feel dead inside. Numb like nothing can touch me. Once I went to work and I was so numb inside I kept thinking I feel so lifeless but I kept smiling and going thru the motions. My husband came meet me for lunch and he said what's wrong and I said nothing and he said your eyes look lifeless. And then it almost scared me because ... how i felt inside was true.
I get tired of never letting anyone in. But when I try I am always disappointed. I tried to write emails to my sisters to tell them how I felt. After I had poured my heart out to them they never responded. They are too busy with their children. I feel forgotten. Even in my own family... they dont understand how I feel... nor do they try to. I have learned to be this happy person who laughs and makes jokes. But often I will feel more tired when I am alone. It takes so much energy to preform. Some days I dont realize that I am pretending and on others it takes a great deal from me.
I feel so insignificant I feel so alone. I am alone.
Sometimes I go to a therapist and she tells me its all normal. But I feel like even she is not seeing the real me. I hide the depths of my pain. Sometimes when I am alone I cry and my crying turns to wails of agony.No one knows that. It scares me because its almost like I lose control of myself and when I do feel the pain in my life I feel it all and it crushes me.
Once upon a time I was married to my first husband. On our honey moon he told me he never wanted to marry me. I endured so much pain during our year marriage. I kept it all inside. Its hard now because I feel like I am behind schedule. That I should have 2 or 3 kids by now and I dont have any. I watch my sisters with there kids and it hurts. And when I try to talk to them about how I feel they always tell me "sorry I am so busy its just so hard to do things with the kids.... " They dont mean to but they rub it in my face. I am not important to them because they have more important things in their life... kids... one thing I long for.
My sadness usually gives way to anger and or rage. I get so angry. But I hate feeling angry so I try to suppress it... which usually leads to the numb feelings. Its a cycle. Its so tiring.