pandabear12345

I was diagnosed with Lupus almost 2 years ago. I was 21 at the time. Facing a diagnosis that big was a huge shocker for me. I felt like my life was slipping through my fingertips. I watched my dreams of being a pilot, completing a full marathon, and conquering the world vanish into thin air. Instead of partying with my friends, I was now being ushered from one doctor's appointment to another praying for relief.

I found myself having money issues. Even with health insurance, the copays and the costs for all of the tests were piling up to almost unmanageable levels. I didn't know what to do. I stopped enjoying things I had always loved...it was too painful.

It seemed as if my tennis playing days were over. There were some days I could barely make it out of bed. It seemed a huge chore to just get dressed in the morning.

Eventually my body started to heal itself to where i could physically do the things I used to. But I just no longer had the desire to do anything. I started using the excuse "I'm having a bad Lupus day" to get out of hanging out with friends/family.

I was depressed to put it mildly. I got help. But here I am, almost a year later, feeling the same way I remember feeling months before.

I'm so frustrated. So angry. So blah. And I don't know why.

My best friend was actually the one who pointed out my attitude change as of late. He pointed it out Thursday. I tried to see my doctor Friday. He was busy. I tried to see him today, and guess what? He was busy.

I'm still on antidepressants. Obviously I need to change meds or up them or something. But my freaking doctor is too "busy" to deal with me.

I just suppose now I'm more afraid than anything. And I'm angry that my doctor is too "busy" to see me.

I've noticed during this past year, that when one is depressed it is a constant battle between your actions and your emotions. You remember when you were a kid, how people would say to you "Well...just because Johnny hit you, and it made you angry, that doesn't mean you have to hit back. You need to be a bigger person than Johnny."?

I feel like battling depression is the same way as being hit in the face on a daily basis by "Johnny". I try soooo hard to not let my actions be the same as my emotions. I try sooo hard to get better. I really do.

But there are days like today, when I feel like there's nothing I can do to get better. On days like today, I know people still love me. Even if I don't feel like they do, I KNOW they do.

I have a sign on top of my door that reads "Fight. Choose life.". I battle my emotions every day of my life. I choose life. I will fight.