I watch myself being depressed
I've been conscious of being depressed since I was 11.
I am 46 now, and there have been periods when I've been happy and full of energy and accomplishments. I know I'm supposed to take full responsibility for my mental health and all the things that have happened to me, but I have this theory: maybe everyone is born with a full tank of resilience and little by little, it gets used up. For some people, so much bad stuff happens that it gets used up by the mid-point in their life. I fear I might be one of those people. I do yoga, meditate, pray, read uplifting books, exercise, walk in nature, etc., but I don't seem to ever refill.
I've been directly affected by three natural disasters; my emotionally abusive husband cheated on me many times; our son died in a car accident when he was still in preschool; my husband was driving and I was critically injured (in the end they didn't amputate and I learned how to normally walk again); I divorced him three years later; now my sixth business, which I've had more than 19 years, is failing, in part because it's in a failing industry and in part because I have become so burned out; I am lousy at relationships; I binge eat sometimes so I'm 17 lbs overweight, which in my town means it may as well be 100 lbs; and this latest bout (4 days and counting) of severe depression - like "I can't get out of bed today" - was triggered when I ended a new, exciting, wonderful business partnership because my new partner called me the names one too many times in less than a month of working together.
Meanwhile, my plummeting business has sent me into the worst financial situation of my adult life; I am facing bankruptcy, which is such a cop out; my beloved brother just filed for divorce last Tuesday; my other brother, married to a girl I don't like, just announced she's pregnant. This will be my first niece or nephew, but she's miscarried 8 other babies, so I am steeling myself for disappointment.
On top of that, last year I fell in love for the fourth time in my whole life. I mean really crazy, happy, in love. Sometimes, he was odd. He'd disappear for weeks at a time with no contact. He's not married and not with someone else, just said he needs a lot of "alone time" to think. Five months later, I couldn't take his disappearances any more and we ended it for the last time.
But yesterday, I realized that he really WAS married or something, to a woman who travels or whatever, because he told me that the women's toiletries in the bathroom had been left there by his landlord's girlfriend and he was only house-sitting. I see now he must have been lying all along, about many things.
I realized that I a) attracted another abusive man into my life - my recently departed business partner and b) my cherished ex-boyfriend lied to me and I am still naive enough to believe what men say.
I sure feel burned out by life. My resilience tank is empty. Because I'm self-absorbed and narcissistic when depressed, I laid in bed and read a book all day, eating a bunch of easter chocolate I shouldn't have even bought, much less consumed in three hours. I feel like I just can't whip myself into getting back on the horse one last time. What's the worst that could happen if I just laid in bed for the rest of my life crying? My pillow would get moldy.