Never Give Up
Thank you for letting me share my condensed(!) story. My childhood was not pleasant. My mother constantly beat me, but the torment caused by the daily, ceaseless verbal abuse was far worse. "You're selfish, self-centered, lazy, no man will ever want you, you can't get along with anybody, you will always be a failure, etc." I was the family scapegoat and she belittled me in front of my siblings. I was to blame for everything that went wrong in the family. My father was a workaholic and anytime he tried to stand up for me, it backfired on him and me. He had married a woman who was an only child with parents who put her on a pedestal. My mother did not know how to raise her children to love each other. Instead, she loved chaos and setting us against each other. "You were always Daddy's little favorite," she would hiss at me in front of my siblings.
My paternal grandmother's home was my refuge. But there was only so much she could do, as she was afraid to confront my mother directly for fear of being denied access to me. I look back on my youth and realize that her unconditional love kept me from going off the deep end.
Fast forward to recent months. My late father had once said in front of my mother that I would be the one who would always be there for her in her old age. I promised my father that I would be. When my mother's health worsened, I quit my job and came home to take care of her. All the sick dynamics of my childhood came back with a vengeance during these last months. My mother would depict me on the phone to my siblings as lazy and acted like she was doing ME the favor rather than vice-versa. Thankfully, my Mom's neighbors and my hometown friends assured me I was doing a great job taking care of her. In the meantime, my siblings wanted me out of the house even though none of them wanted to help Mom out. They wanted to dump Mom in a nursing home and she was terrified of leaving her home. One of my sister's husbands even assaulted me in front of my Mom, my sister and their teenage daughter. All of them said I had asked for and deserved this beating. It devastated me that my mother would side with them after all I had done to take care of her. And my nieces and nephews, whom I had tried to be a loving aunt to, sided with their parents against me. I realized a few months later, after my Mom died, that the reason they all wanted me out of the house was so they could go in and take all the household contents - which is exactly what they did starting the day my mother was buried. I got nothing of the household contents ("you are a single woman with no heirs.") And they could easily do this because my Mother left no will.
After my motherís death, my siblings kicked me to the curb. I was given a deadline to get my things into storage and get out of the house. While I had taken SSRI medication in the past, it had stopped working. My local doctor prescribed Zoloft again, with disastrous results, but I finally weaned myself off of it. My brother had told me I could stay at his place temporarily to job hunt and then when the time came to go there (thousands of miles away), he changed his mind and I frantically had to find an expensive room to rent nearby. One of my friends told me to come to her city and she then put me up for five weeks. Then two of my first cousins (children of my late father's sister) stepped in once I reached out to them via email. I never realized how much they were aware of over the years, but they knew I was not exaggerating about the abuse I received over the years. The upshot is that I am now staying with one of those cousins and his wife while I continue my job search. They have been so kind and supportive to me, and yet they had not seen me in decades!
My brain is numb and depressed from the emotional trauma and shock of what happened. But I WILL get back on track and am starting B-complex vitamin supplements and magnesium, along with a regular daily vitamin supplement. Nutrition is so vital in bouncing back. I have very little energy from being so mentally rundown, but am trying to get out and take walks as possible. I refuse to be a victim any longer. My story does not have a sad ending. I have friends and cousins who care. Years ago I volunteered in a church homeless shelter. Those people had no one to turn to. I do and am very lucky because "there but for the grace of God go I..."