limitfull

I am 25, depressed, self-sabotaging and feel stuck in life.

I constantly am looking for things that can lift me up out of my unproductive state of procrastinating and being in a confused and doubtful state of mind.
I find them, temporarily, in music, love, visiting friends, places I visit, but once their effect wears off, I am back to where I was and look for new things.I guess I am very prone to drugs in the form of escapism or trying to adapt mindsets to improve myself, but I do this so often that none of them stick.

I am also caffeine addicted, because I delude myself it will get me started but it doesn't. Generally feel awful when I wake up. I look at a lot of motivational video's, and feel uplifted by it but can't turn that into action. I seem almost incapable of fulfilling even the simplest of tasks on a daily basis. Room is in a constant, unorganised mess. It's like I lack the patience for it, unless there is absolute necessity (like someone visiting, which turns into fear of being found a slob).

Succes and reaching my goals is in my mind but I can't turn it into action. Maybe it's some health condition, like undiagnosed ADD, or something different. A lack of social life on daily basis for example. Or the fact that I have almost zero family left other then my brother and sister (parents died when I was 9 and 16)

I am working on a grad project and have been for over a year, but I can't seem to get it done, and it has turned into a vicious circle of anxiety and constant delay. Instead of actually working on my goal to get my grad project done, I spend my days in a haze of caffeine and browsing the internet for irrelevant garbage that somehow interests me.

I'm sorry for my rambling, I am not a native-English speaker. (am Dutch). I find it very difficult to express my feelings to fellow countrymen because we are a very sober (calvinist) people in general, who have a mentality of "don't complain and just work and live".

Sometimes I can't stand people who just seem to live on auto-pilot, who are happy all the time and don't have all these doubts and crazy things on their mind. I find it hard to communicate with them because they always seem 6 steps ahead of me while my head is in a cloudy haze. Living in a house with a lot of social butterfy roommates worsens this, because it puts a magnifying glass on my lack of succes, peace of mind and social life.
I just feel stuck and hopeless.