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Old 10-01-2011, 10:49 AM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Buffalo, Ny USA
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mjkb1971 HB User
Unhappy Long history of depression/anxiety. In need of support/someone who understands

I have had anxiety issues since I was 7yrs old. My father died suddenly and the anxiety started. I have had many deaths in my family over the past 15yrs. My mom died of breast cancer when I was 23. My husband died at 26 of metastatic melanoma and my sister died 3 yrs ago. She had downs syndrome with congenital heart and lung defects she was 35 when she died. Also my niece who was pregnant with identical twins lost one of my nephews at birth from twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I also have a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and tried everything including invitro from my mid 20's to late thirty's and then gave up. I am currently married and have been for 7yrs but together on and off for 10yrs. My husband has two adult children from his first marriage. I am extremely close to his 20 yr old son who just got married and is in the marines. I used to be close to his 22 yr old daughter but she cut both of us out of her life when we couldn't help her out financially anymore due to having to file for bankruptcy. He also has a 10yr old from a brief relationship and we have scheduled visitation with him. He used to be the light of my life but lately when I'm with him I have these feelings of anger and resentment because his mom got pregnant and I couldn't. It doesn't help that she is a nightmare to deal with. She don't work, lives off the system and blames me for the failure of her relationship with my husband. My husband has a lot of baggage so to speak besides the kids he's a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. He was recently laid off and collects unemployment and works under the table. His entire unemployment check goes to child support. So I basically support all of us. I've been a RN for 20 plus years but I don't make enough to support us and try to save to get out of this one bedroom apt that is in a not so good neighborhood. I owned a home in NC for seven years. It was brand new. I loved my house but we moved back to buffalo because baby mamma was taking my step son out of school, planning to home school but didn't follow through and my husband wanted to be a significant part of his life. We lost a ton of money on the house due to the market and hence filed for bankruptcy. It's ironic that one of the main reasons we left was for better job opportunities for my husband and baby mama was constantly trying to create a wedge between us. It was so bad when he was a baby. She used him as a pawn to get what she wanted out of me and my husband. Now we have scheduled visitation but she has taken us to court 3 times this summer to change the visitation (which did not happen) and get more child support which did happen. She does not work, lives off the system and our money. I can honestly say I tried to be on civil terms with her but it's impossible. She definitely has mental issues of her own. I suspect bipolar or some sort of personality disorder. She says horrid things to me. For example the reason God don't want you to have children is because you'd ruin them and don't deserve them. Let me also say I treat her son very well. I buy all of his school clothes etc. which I don't have to do. So, for the past 3yrs I have been merely existing. Working and sleeping. I don't want to be around my family and friends, in fact they don't even try anymore to get me to go out. I fake it as best as I can when my step son is here. I used to love spending time with him and now I don't even want to be around him. My marriage is in the circling the drain slowly and has been for the past 3yrs. Finally my hubby quit drinking and is slowly becoming the man I always knew he was but I've checked out. The meds I'm on have literally killed my sex drive. I don't even fake it anymore, I just avoid sex and intimacy with my husband. He is very affectionate and touchy feely and I just want to be left alone. He's been understanding up to now but has recently told me that he loves me but he doesn't feel loved by me and that maybe we should separate. At this point it's like I don't care on one hand but on the other I don't think I can survive another loss. I feel hopeless, helpless, useless and I'm tired of feeling this way. I would give up a limb literally to feel happy and content. Well that's my story. Thanks for reading
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