sonyaclaire

Hi, I am new to this website. I have been depressed since I was about 11 or 12. I remember always feeling sad, ugly, lonely, and inadequate.

I have had friends growing up, but the friendships never lasted. The same with relationships and jobs. I would start off ok, then for some reason things would go downhill. My weight has also gone up and down. I have gone from a size 7 up to a size 13 at different times in my life. It has a lot to do with my self esteem and self worth.

I know that I am a good person and I am also very insightful and intelligent. People always seem to like me. But, I just don't like myself.

I am a very emotional person and a deep thinker. I feel things very deeply. I am very romantic and my whole life I daydreamed of the life I really wanted. I just can't seem to get it together. I am not working, and I have not worked in a few years. this only makes things worse because it creates financial problems and also feelings of inadequacy.

I moved in to my own apartment in September of this year. I used to live with my dad. It is a subsidized apartment. I like having my own place, but I feel that I am trapped. I don't visit or have visitors other than my father and sister. I have a couple of good friends, but i feel I am losing them. They love and care for me, but I just can't seem to be with people these days. I am divorced and I am very lonely. I am muslim and I really would like to remarry one day. But, I have a lot of issues that would prevent that. I don't want to be alone forever. I would love to have a nice man to share my life with. And, to be able to enjoy time with friends and family.

I am very grateful for the blessings I have, but I just can't get happy...or even content. It is getting worse. I have not been out in days. I feel so alone and scared and I just don't know what to do any more. It is causing my family a lot of stress and worry, and sometimes I feel that if I wasn't here..it would eventually ease that worry for them.

I want to live and be normal and contented in life. I don't expect life to be perfect. I just want to feel normal and live normally. I want to make my parents proud of me before they die. I think about that a lot. I feel like I am just existing.