Since when i was little my parents knew that i wasn't a girl that would socialize the most. I was the "quite" one. When i was 5 my parents separated. I went to live with my granma from my mum's side for 5 years while my mum went to work abroad. I would spend my summers in other granma's house and i would see a lot of violence. Once my grandad was drunk so he threw something to my granmas head and pushed her threw the glass door and made her step on it. Or once he started strangle her so i started screaming and ran to neighbours to get some help. My father barelly called. Probably 1 time in 2 months or if i'm lucky every month. In primary school i was quite violent as i was the bully and used to beat up every kid that would tell me a joke about me or annoy me or.. i would beat them up for fun.
When i was 10 i went to live with my mum and her new bf. It was okay apart that i didn't know the language that well and their culture seemed quite different.I spend 1 year not having any friends but somehow i was happy. Next year i found an amazing girl that became my best friend and i don't think i have ever been so close to someone but somehow i still found trouble opening myself completely. In year 8 i liked this boy who was a jerk and didn't like me back. I remember always thinking about him and even crying... since then i promised i wouldn't let myself like someone that much because all they do is hurt you.
After 1 year surprisingly my mum decided to move countries again and i came with. My mum started to work ( she didn't work before) and had less and less time for me. It seemed that when she cames back from work alll she asks me is if i have eaten and then she doesnt care no more. I was bullies by some girls and spend 1 year not having friends. It was quite bad as i was thinking to change schools but after some time it got better even if my "friends" wouldn't be there for me. I started cutting my legs to let the pain out and i would never leave my house. I would never hang out with them or anything because i was simply scared.
Next year things got better as i found a new "best friend" but we started having so many arguments due to another girl joining our group. Because of her me and my bff drifted apart a lot. I wanted to have a feeling that i belong and that people start caring about me. My mum noticed my sad behaviour as i would come back home and cry until i would run out of breath. On 2011 eve i managed to tell my mum and my stepdad that i need a pshycologyst or something because i'm not well as the sad feeling would come more often every day.
This school year was ok but i have been feeling extremely stressed because of the colleges and application forms. I met a guy 1 year ago (even longer) and he would literally save my life. I used to have a lot of arguments with my mum where i would literally stop eating so then she would notice but all she would say is "ok do whatever you want, i don't care". I tried to overdose but i didn't have the courage. after being my second bff he told me he loved me but i didn't feel the same way and i kept rejecting him since last year. Somehow we kept going closer but then we started drifting apart and he told me that he never loved me. I was feeling quite sad because i felt like someone really cared about me but then i guess he's just a liar like anybody else and there i was hurt again by the human race.
This year one of my bffs started having problems and cut herself because of a guy and general sadness. This somehow reminded me of that so when i would start feeling sad i would cut. My legs, stomach, left arm. I cut so much it comes up to my elbow. When im in school, even tho i hate many people i feel ok. When im alone at home I feel so sad and i feel a huge pressure on my chest which makes the breathing hard. I feel so alone and i just want people care about me as i feel no one gives a damn and i feel so ignored and worthless.
My mum saw my scars and she threatended me to tell my granma (by the way the granpa that would hurt my granma is dead... even tho he was a good man). She said she will take an appointment to pshycologyst but she never did. I don't know anymore.
I told the guy that apparantly never loved me never to speak to me again even tho deep down i wish he would make an effort and talk to me again. But everytime i needed him he wasn't there for me. Neither my friends ask me if i'm ok no more. Some of them don't know that i still cut. I promised them i wouldn't do it no more and i have been trying to tell them but it's hard.
I feel like life has no meaning and my life is worthless anyways. I am really tall for a girl (i mean reallyy tall) and not skinny.. and it makes it hard for me to find guys that like me or whatever.. or even people that want to be friends because many are threatened. I don't smile a lot and some people call me moody or no smile but i don't care anymore i hate them, i hate everyone. I'm extremely shy and usually i would keep things to myself but the person that i could open up to turned his back on me.
Next year me and my friends probably will go to different colleges so that means no friends for 1 year. Everythings seems so hopeless and useless.
I wish this feeling would abondon me but sometimes even in school all i think is how much i want to cut myself.