All alone in my own little world
Since I was young I have always felt alone I had a few friends but I did not see them very often. I was very quiet, and rarely spoke, and it was hard for me to make any connection with others.
As I got older most of the friends I had moved away, or I lost contact with them, and I didn't make any new ones to replace them. I wasn't interested in doing much and I spent most of my time playing computer games and watching TV. I could sense that life was passing me by and I wasn't maturing, or fitting in to society.
I developed a bitter and angry personality, and even to my friends and family I would always make sarcastic remarks and criticisms to belittle them for no reason other than I felt miserable.
I tried to find some answers in religion and philosophy, and tried to get involved in new things, but it didn't really work. I started to get into drugs.
I had been a gifted student, but by my last year of high school I was ready to drop out and I put in the least amount of effort possible to graduate. My parents convinced me to try college, but I put in no effort at all and spent most of my time in my room playing computer games, trying to get high or walking alone at night through empty streets.
I was like a ghost, other people thought I was a child molester or serial killer because I was so strange and had such an unpleasant mood.
After college I lived at home and got a job. Every job I had was the kind where they would hire just about anybody, and I usually quit after 3 months because I was too bored to continue.
I had no ambition and no direction at all, I was living day to day, waiting for work to end so I could go home and lock myself in my room and play computer games.
It was like a slow kind of death. My last friend went crazy with paranoid schizophrenia and moved away to live with his mother. I was now totally alone. I saw my family, but I didn't pay any attention to them, they would cry at night worrying about where I was headed.
I started to shut down totally. I stopped imagining any future for myself, I just imagined how I would die and finally leave this world that didn't hold any purpose for me.
Sometimes I would lie on the floor in my room curled up in the fetal position and cry. I didn't have any real reason, it just hurt inside me and doing that made it feel better for a while.
I didn't have any will power to do anything. If I didn't have to work I would sleep 12 hours or more. I had no reason to get out of bed.
Finally I quit my job and left my house to live on the streets.
I had second thoughts and came back, not knowing what to do next.
One day I heard in the news about a Buddhist Teacher in the area, Holy Master Ziguang Shang Shi.
After taking his 'maha meditation' course I felt a little better. After following him and practicing for a while I started to gradually get better. After a few months I was well enough to do something tough, I joined the Marine Corps.
It was something I had been interested in before, but I was way too weak. After working with Holy Master though, I could complete my training and graduate with honors.
It was a pretty big turn around for a person who had been lying on the floor of his room crying not too long before.
I had never trusted medicines, doctors, therapists, or anyone before, but this person was able to help me. I still have some problems, but day by day, I am getting better.