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Old 07-03-2012, 12:39 PM   #1
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iluvpurple1 HB User
Slipping again

Throughout my whole life, I have had issues with anxiety. I've always wanted to be the best, to be on top, and I always wanted to be well liked. I wanted to prove myself as a person. I think my stress really came on when I got more and more insistent that everything I do, I do perfectly, and that everything goes the way I'd like it to. During middle school, I had to deal with people that were friends sometimes, and my own worst enemies at other times. I never knew when I could believe them, and, as a result, I have terrible trust issues. Because of these trust issues, I have difficulty making friends, which has definitely contributed to my issues with depression. My depression hit its peak during high school, during my junior year. All I ever did was spend time on the computer, mostly chatting on message boards. For me, it was away of talking to people, because I was too nervous to talk with anyone in real life. It finally came to the point where I was tired of everything. I was tired of struggling in classes. I was tired of watching others excel and my life go down the drain. I was tired of being alone, of being unwanted. I was tired of not being a normal teenager, of not doing the things most teenagers do such as going to dances, spending time at friends' houses, being invited to parties, and such. During high school, I had no outstanding talents that made people notice me. Although I was an active member of the orchestra, I did not have exceptional skills. I also did not have any affiliation with sports whatsoever, because I've never been athletic. I felt like an outsider in my classes; I felt uncomfortable around the immature people in the regular classes and equally uncomfortable around the people that seemed to be more intelligent than I in the honors/AP courses. I didn't make much of an attempt to get to know them, because I believed that they didn't consider me to be intelligent and that they didn't think I would make a good partner for groups. Basing my grades to theirs, I felt that this opinion was valid. While they were thriving, and getting A's, in some classes, it was all I could do to maintain a B. Not having any talent, having average intelligence, and not having an outgoing personality really affected my high school experience. Eventually, it got so bad I had to be admitted as an inpatient several times. I didn't really talk to anyone after I left, because I didn't want to discuss where I'd been. If people thought I was odd beforehand, imagine what they would have said had they known where I'd been.
Although I was not the best student of all time, I did manage to get into several colleges, and chose to attend one in the fall. By the time I got there, I felt very insecure around the other girls. I did not have as high of a scholarship as they did, I was not invited to be a part of the honors program like they were, and I felt uncomfortable when they talked about things like prom(as I had not gone). Time went on and I auditioned to be a member of an orchestra. I felt so badly about myself when I found out I was the only one on my floor that wasn't selected for the traveling orchestra. The fact that I wasn't going to be able to travel really got to me. Not to mention that I had to deal with the fact that I wasn't selected for a music scholarship like they were. As far as classes go, I started out poorly in all of them. I was having difficulty with biology lecture exams, having achieved only 1 or 2 points out of 4 on them. The amount of stress that came from having a test everyday in biology lab really got to me. Then, of course, there was Spanish. When I had taken the pre-entrance test, I was borderline between two levels. Because I wanted to make myself feel better and to prove myself as a person, I signed up for the higher level class, knowing that, after a year of taking a break from the language, I would most likely struggle. I was just hoping that the anticipated struggle would not come and that I would feel comfortable in the class. I was very wrong about that. The whole class stressed me out a lot and I just felt that I could not handle it. In fact, I really felt that I couldn't handle being there, at all. So, one weekend when I came home, I decided that I would not go back there. During that time, I took one class at the local college, and was forced to attend a depression/anxiety support group(after having yet another experience as an inpatient). Slowly, I worked my way up and I finally was accepted in the nursing program. It was not easy, because there were many times all I got were B's on tests, and sometimes even worse, and I just couldn't deal with that. Somehow, I made it through though, and somehow I completed my first semester of nursing classes. In order to get into the nursing program, I had to take a CNA course and pass the state exam. When I didn't fully pass the CNA state exam the first time, I became depressed and became very avoidant to the situation. Whenever I was asked when I wanted to retest, I always came up with an excuse for why I could not or would not. Eventually, I had to face it again, and the second time, I did pass. That was one of the few good things that happened that summer. I had applied for many jobs, and had not gotten anything. This made me feel worse about myself. This summer, I have had several interviews and several rejections (I had a major breakdown after each of them). Finally I've been accepted at a certain place, but it worries and depresses me that I may not perform up to their standards. Although I really want to be a nurse, sometimes I wonder if I'm the right person for it. I know that other people think the same thing. I've already had to be relocated to a different facility because they feel that those types of residents would be better for me to work with as a new employee. However, I'm pretty sure that the two other people that were in orientation with me didn't have to deal with this. One of them, a girl, came up and asked when she thought we'd begin to work. Obviously, she wasn't told that she needed to come back for more orientation. I remember her telling the other person, a guy, that she would get a schedule set up for him, and that he had passed the test out. When I found out that there was one skill I had not tested out on, my heart broke. Deep down, I knew that was going to happen, but just to hear it in words made me feel bad. It didn't matter that they said after more practice, I would do a good job, or that I'd improved over time. All I was able to focus on was the fact that I was not going to start training as fast as these other people were. These past few days, I've just been feeling really down. I worry about what's going to happen. Sometimes I wish I would be diagnosed with a terminal illness, because sometimes I don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to not allow myself to become depressed, but I seem to be slipping, and with things going the way they are, it's no wonder.

 
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