Optimistic to a struggle to depression.
Iíve always worked through any problem I had in the past and it always turned out well. But over the last year, I just felt like something was missing. I struggled more and more as the days went on, I had my ups and downs, but struggling felt like my norm.
I just hoped it would go away eventually, and decided to be a little reckless and started doing synthetic marijuana to relieve my stress. Eventually, I started trying (and doing) real marijuana too. And drinking every month or so, for a few days at a time.
I did what I used to, I kept trying different things to change my mindset. That always worked. But I kept trying and trying, doing different things, and none of it worked.
I decided I needed to go to college because that may make me feel better. I continued doing all three while I was waiting to actually go to college (after I was accepted and all).
I got angry one day and gave myself a self-inflicted concussion, like 4-5 months ago. It was enough to almost make me pass out. I never usually use violence to bring out my anger, but when I do, itís usually upon myself. Thankfully, Iíve been able to manage my anger since then, because that was extremely scary.
About a month before college started, I woke up two days straight struggling like usual. But as the day went on, especially at night, my mind would go into a very dark place and to be honest, I imagined me dying and Iíd rub my finger nails across my wrist to feel something. To be honest, it did feel good.
I figured I had needed to do SOMETHING different in my life. I quit drinking diet soda and instantly started to get better. I was drinking diet soda (aspartame) for a good 6-7 years of my life, Coke Zero in particular. Iíd drink half a 12-pack a day.
It wasnít too awfully hard not to drink it; I started drinking regular soda again. I still have cravings for it to this day, though. For me, thereís a huge difference between Coke Zero and regular Coke ó And I prefer the taste of Coke Zero. And the elated feeling it gives me.
Anyways, a week later, I got high off synthetic marijuana (I only did the synth weed every few weeks or so). It was probably the best high Iíd ever had. I felt like I had a nicotine high, but 5x stronger and itís such a lovely feeling. So, I decided to get high again later that day. Same amount, two puffs, try to get a good buzz going for about an hour.
Oh man, that was a bad, bad decision. It wasnít a buzz that I got. It was hell. My brain felt like it was swelling. It felt like it was shutting down on me. I woke up my friend who was over my house and had him stay up with me for several hours as I felt extremely paranoid and felt absolutely horrible. I was holding my head for hours, just saying ďoh man, I donít wanna dieĒ and all variations of that. Over the next few days, for the record, I was in that deep, dark place again.
That morning, to top it all off, my mom answered the phone from my aunt, and my mom replied in the most frantic voice ďoh my god, are you serious? what happened? howíd it happen?Ē and when she got off the phone, she was almost in tears, because her motherís trailer was on fire and she wasnít sure if everyone was okay because the fire was still burning at that time.
My friend and I went with my mom over to the trailer, I felt absolutely horrible, but I had to go. Everyone was okay, but the trailer wasnít good enough to keep anymore. That whole situation turned out well, though. They got a nice used trailer and got more than enough furniture and clothes and food donated to them by local businesses, churches, and people.
That high was horrible, though. And the paranoia very slowly went away over the coming weeks, but it was still there. I was still having panic attacks here and there. My mind was a jumble. Iíve had some very depressing nights since, but itís been moreso a jumble of my thoughts rather than deep, dark, almost suicidal thoughts.
In college, Iíd have panic attacks sometimes but they werenít too bad. I was able to keep them under control and not effect the rest of the class. After I was in college for a week, our teacher(who was teaching us stuff about the college, how to use computers, etc) told us that Blue Ridge had a program with a mental health services place in our area. I thought Iíd go, but I never did.
A couple weeks pass, still struggling more than ever, I was openly telling a few people in my class the kinds of things that have happened to me. Very supportive people. This one woman, in her 50ís, a mother (sheís had depression/ocd herself and her daughter does), she told me that I really should go to the free therapy clinic.
A few days pass, I wake up feeling magnificent. I couldnít believe it. I felt like my old self. I called the clinic that morning, went to college, then went over there to sign up. I felt great that whole day. Only for maybe a hour total that day was I struggling.
A couple days pass and I still feel amazing. I felt like my old self STILL. I thought I was okay. I went to therapy and it went wellÖ But, I slipped back into my sadness that night.
I kept seeing my therapist, she told me at each session she really thinks that I know how to deal with my emotions and she didnít really have much to tell me, and she said she thinks (especially because of the fake weed and aspartame) that I may have an imbalance or something of the sort, and maybe medicines would actually help.
So I asked my mom to schedule an appointment, it took a couple weeks to get in the office, and of course, the doctor prescribed me Wellbutrin.
I feel like Iím getting my life back. I stress about everything ó from my family, to death, to hobbies, to the universe, to my religion. Every single thing that I think about, I stress about.
Wellbutrin, in less than a week, itís helped me at least be able to cope with these thoughts and the normal everyday stresses of life. I just hope it continues and I feel like myself, but more focused and with more willpower than ever. I also hope Iím able to develop more of a relationship with God.
Iíve prayed to God over the last year, since I was struggling on and off so much, to just PLEASE help me get help. Whatever it takes to live a long and happy life. And I tried everything. Maybe I just needed medicine to get back to ďnormalĒ again. hopefully I donít have to be on it too long, though.
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