iAlmostDo

My anxiety was triggered when I was 17. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was in my bedroom, laying on my bed, thinking, "In a year, I'll be out of highschool, and then what am I going to do?" I hadn't applied to college yet, so I was freaking out. 4 years later, and here I am, still an anxious wreck. A couple months later, I applied for university, and was accepted. I'd have thought my anxiety would have gone away, but no... it seemed to get worse. My last semester, I don't remember much of because I was so anxious & worried all the time about what was ahead in my future.

The next fall, I attended the university, and amazingly enough (even though I had no idea what I was doing), it still remains one of my best semesters. Things were going okay. I got an academic mentor who helped me so much and I still think of often.

Flash forward to last year. I began my 3rd year of uni. I don't know what happened, I think everything just added up and I had no one (near) to lean on. By April (approximately half way through the semester), I was struggling with school so badly and I just felt bad all the time. I started seeing a therapist at school because I couldn't hold stable relationships... at least that's why I thought I went there.

It was about 2 sessions before I broke down because things got so bad and I had no one to help me. Two months later, I just couldn't take it anymore and medication was recommended to me. I couldn't do anything-- attend classes, go online, watch videos, etc-- without comparing myself to people. The day before I was supposed to meet with the psychiatrist was the worst; I couldn't watch TV (which I love to do, as I am a screenwriter) without comparing myself to other people.

Well, it's January 2013 now, and I've been depressed for nearly a year. It sucks... especially never knowing when/if I'll ever get better. I've spent the last six months in "recovery," in which I've "relapsed" a few times. My relapses usually consist of binge drinking, crying, sleeping too much, and/or not wanting to do anything.

That's most of my story. It started with me comparing myself to others (because I"m 22 and feel like I've accomplished nothing), then realizing the environment I live in is awfully negative, then not being able to get a job. And now I feel stuck. and I don't know what to do about it.