imtryingmybest

Hello

Im just going to get into it so my life up until I turned 16 was pretty damn awesome typical childhood. It all came crashing down in the blink of an eye really in march of 2006.

One day i woke up noticed my eyes were a shade of yellow and told my mother. She immediately took my to a doctor. After countless test they had no idea all the knew was my liver was failing. I went from one hospital to the next not knowing I was dying. Finally one of the last memories i had before being put into medical induced coma for about a week because of the toxins practically rotten my brain, a doctor looked at me and said we will need to do a transplant. I woke up about a week or so later the surgery was successful. However my health was not, countless set backs for months.

I couldn't even count the number of times i just wanted it all to end. After finally being able to leave the hospital my next battle was a severe drug problem. Seemed the doctors didn't care i just said i was in pain and they would give me whatever i wanted and i abused this. The constant thought of just not waking up and taking a few more before bed. But i would always wake up. My thought was if i almost died before people would be prepared for it almost expect it.

So a year goes by and I was home for the most until blood results and having to go through another huge surgery. This one is what really did it to me. There was no hope my body was the only one fighting i gave up after the first one. I remember telling myself the first time i got sick that im going to beat this i am to young to die. I was physically and mentally spent the second time around.

I ended up recovering the only thing was my depression and drug use. The thing on my mind was how long is my life going to last which didn't scare me i expect it everyone dies but i know i wont be able to live a full life. Throughout high school i couldn't cope with the stares almost as like i was contagious or something. I ended up dropping out and also ended up getting clean which was another battle. But by detoxing and coping with everything, everything seemed to make so much more sense to me.

I felt normal again until now living alone thousands of miles from home. For the first time in my life i'm afraid to die. Everything is great actually but this constant thought in my head that i could end up sick and i know i cant go through that again. I don't know if anyone will read this i don't really care its just good to get this out. Im just trying to keep my head up and not think about the future because i already know the end result. Right now i'm just lost inside my head and the flashbacks are haunting me.