I would like to say I have led a good life. I'd like to but sadly cannot. I am early 40's overweight under friended and utterly unloved. Even my dog supposedly man's best friend has left me!
Both my son's have left me under a cloud. My eldest despises me utterly, wouldn't even accept a Christmas present from me.
I blame myself. I have hardly been a great role model. I never drank, smoked or did drugs (apart from prescriptions!). I treated them with respect I shouted at them 6 times EVER (eldest 19, youngest 16), and never smacked them (not that I don't believe in it, just that I THOUGHT verbal punishments were enough!) Boy was I wrong.
Clearly I was also a terrible husband. My divorce papers stated as grounds of my unreasonable behaviour were I didn't like to do DIY, I went to the gym after work 3 times a week, and I took the kids out for a drive on weekends. Strangely there was no mention of her having an affairn. But hey I'm clearly unlovable.
I then thought I was in a relationship with a woman, I went round her house every night for about 4 months and every night she had her friend with her. Then one night we two were alone and sure enough things led and two days later I get the call saying if I don't give her £100k she will tell the police I raped her! That pretty much ended that relationship.
Whilst with my ex wife, I was serving in the Navy, so inevitably would be away on duty for months at a time. Of course when I get back I get the harassment of how she had it hard and didn't realise I would be away for so long! (we met when I was in the Navy bear in mind!)
Anywho I stuck with her as I thought it better to have a father around whenever possible. I tried for promotions, I studied in my leave periods, but of course she would get on my back to watch the kids play and at the same time try and wade through text books 6inches thick. I didn't get any further promotions.
Then after yet another night or 3 of sleeping on the couch (I dared to turn up at 10:30pm after a 14hr shift and so had to sleep on the couch),I made a paperwork error on a travel expenses form. I "benefited" by being overpaid £30.
Soon as I found out I paid that back, but it didn't stop a guy who hated me because I was a radar tech pressing ahead with a court martial that ate up 9 months of my life - not knowing if I was going to lose EVERYTHING for the sake of a clerical error!
That's when the black dog started. It was subtle at first, cold sweats, nerves on edge all the time, loss of interest in anything. Then as the months of waiting for the day some bright spark decided that rather than use my 5 years studying everything about radars, I would be better suited to counting screws in the stores!
So five years of study, effort and exams to count screws - hardly what was advertised on the posters! Eventually I was cleared, but the scares were deep. From then on the guys who thought they were better because they did another job, decided I was enemy #1, and did their utmost to drive me mad. Apparently it worked as a couple of years later I was medically discharged for stress and anxiety - so much for brothers in arms!
I then somehow got a job as a software engineer for the Jag F1 team (now red-bull). I loved the job, I was working with graduates on equal terms, but I was out of my depth. I tried, heaven knows I tried, but that too went south. So I was on the lookout for work again.
I got a job for less pay, and an extra 3 hour round trip, but it was all I could get. I HATED it. From day 1 I was looking for another job. I found one after 3 months still 80 round journey but more money, and free lunches!
Unfortunately that boxing day my dad died of a brain haemorrhage and someone messed up a database, and rather than admit to it, placed the blame squarely on my shoulders. That was that! Oh when I got home, my hugely supportive wife kicked me out, so no home no job, no future.
But my ex was kind enough to blackmail me so that if I didn't do everything she asked, she wouldn't bring the kids for me to pick up! (I sure can pick em!)
As you can imagine I was a tad upset through all this, and the inevitable breakdown occurred.
Since that time I would love to say my life has turned a corner, but as I said, my ex ensured both my lads were poisoned against me (I NEVER raised a hand to them - EVER).
And so here I am. Alone, broke, overweight, balding, racked in pain 24 hours a day. And I am still alive.
I have fallen out with pretty much everyone who has had the misfortune to know me. I am toxic. I wouldn't want to be around me.
So I am still here. I suppose I can be considered a benchmark for failure. I have no future, not sure if I ever did! I alienate everyone around me. I have a loneliness I cannot describe, yet cannot abide being around people. This in turn makes me more depressed and the spiral deepens. Even my psychologist has wiped his hands of me!
I am beyond redemption.
DO NOT LIVE AS I HAVE - I AM THE ARCHITYPE OF FAILURE
I would have put something else here, sadly the administrator has gagged me, hence no free speech for me!
You are NOT a failure, you are just broken right now.
You are still alive for some reason. Your body is still working to keep you here, and so is your mind, because surely it is up to you if you want to be here or not. There is some reason you want to keep fighting. I know we don't know each other, and I know I am young, but sir, I want you to keep fighting. You have the power to change yourself. I know it's damn hard to when you feel so worthless, and do not have the single bit of energy to take action.
This all didn't just happen to you because you deserved it - NO. There is some reason things went awry and maybe if you can backtrack you might be able to find the problem. It might help to know why you're here now this sick.
We don't know each other, but I do care. I have felt some type of pain that you have described, by no means will I sit here and tell you I've felt the same exact thing, because we haven't. Just know though, that I know the generalized pain you feel, and I am not giving up on you. I am here if you ever want to talk. I strongly encourage it. I know friends online aren't as great as having friends in the real world, but it's a start.
Last edited by rainbowchicken; 07-01-2013 at 01:10 PM.