Relapsed and scared.

[Baseball65]

Hi guys and gals.
Thought I was home free...had so many good things going again.
Than:
I had hardcore dental work done last last wednesday,by a "no drugs{no sympathy}) dentist.

I tried to tough it out,and instead of going home to lay down,I went right to work painting ,my home,packing for our move.I had a complete "meltdown" getting angry at my son and wife for various things...and then couldn't take the pain anymore....I went and picked up my old legit scrip.
Than I had a big business meeting the next day and was NOT going to let being miserable ruin my Adult/business night out.That was a week ago today.

I'm still in some pain,but not enough to justify taking 2 lortabs.

I also noticed that I started using again when My sons returned from their vaction early and I was double-saddled with moving/childcare responsibilities.I'm trapped at home ,alone,with my two sons WHILE I'm in charge of moving the family,taking car of biz,setting up a garage sale..yada yada yada...

I feel like I never have any "adult" time..i.e. Baseball w/my friends,music,..just hanging out with the boyz......I'm like a housewife on valium in the stereotype.

I even tried drinking a cocktail as an alternative,but I just don't like drinking that often,and can only stand a drink or two.

I've been taking about 2 lortabs a day in the latter part of the day,and a 1 mg Xanax.I also gave up on the non-benzo sleeping stuff,and have benn using restoril again.....sigh.

The sick/funny part is..they aren't giving me the "warm fuzzies"...I've just been using it in halves to cope and take the edge off of my day.

Obviously I'm nowhere near where I was before,But I don't want to start a new cycle.


After reading that post about the way the brain gets reconfigured,it made a lot of sense....the things that used to inspire me,get me excited or that I looked forward to all seem remote and distant(I'm done recording in the studio,I dropped out of Baseball due to my move.....yes I know...I'm the freakin renassaince man)

I was hanging out with my wife,alone,and having a very romantic and fun time with her getting a break from the kids.....she was like my girlfriend again.

Now I feel like I'm falling into the same old patterns again.

Will I have any WD's from taking two a day for a week?
Should I try to get on suboxone? how would I find a Dr. in my area that prescribes it?

..any input would be appreciated
Baseball65

[mernee]

Relapse is a natural part of change. I don't know many people that decided to change without a few setbacks. I think you are overwhelmed with alot of stuff going on with your family, personal life so on.....Do you go to one on one counselling. I found for me that it really felt good to talk to someone about my deepest thoughts in a safe non-judgemental setting, although I do still go to meetings, there are issues in my life I don't feel comfortable sharing at a meeting. I work in a Recovery House and I don't feel right sharing about my job and the stresses in there, as there are people that were former clients and it would be disheartening to them, and also might break thier anonymity as you might say something that people can read things into. I decided to get a one on one counsellor to deal with my personal issues.It sounds like you have alot on your plate.

[Twinlynn]

Baseball -

Your relapse sounds like a small one...I think you can overcome it. Relapsing seems to be part of everyone's recovery. Your personal situation right now would make me just as stressed out as you! In fact, it stressed me out just READING about it! LOL!!

One thing about myself, that might have made me more prone to addiction is that I've always been rather "hyper" inside--easily depressed and stressed-out--and those nasty pain killers are an easy way to relieve that...temporarily! You know, there'd be absolutely no drug trade if so many of us were not seeking a way to alter our moods. And your stress level doesn't make it easier for you, unfortunately.

Like you, my old enthusiasms seem like something from the past. I know I still love those things...but I can't FEEL it. Reading that article in the NYT about addiction (I told Board members to read it), I immediately zeroed in on how our altered brain chemistry makes it hard to get back to "feeling good" again. Knowing that..PLUS my history of severe depression..has always made me so pessimistic about the future. But, reading more about this Suboxone did give me a ray of hope. (And, many on this board swear by it. That's been so encouraging too.)

I don't believe that we ALL need Suboxone--it seems to depend on so many factors involving the length of time we've dabbled in these painkillers, whether clinical depression always accompanies stopping the drugs, etc, etc. Each person has to think that through first...and ask their addictionologist.

Several months ago, I managed to find a site that got you to your particular city's list of doctors prescribing Suboxone. Where I live, New York City, there are hundreds! By checking "google" or "Yahoo", etc, you might be able to find that site, if you wish to talk with a Suboxone doctor near you. I know there are some who are insistant that all these doctors are in it for the money. But I KNOW that is not the case for all of them. In a totally bizarre cooincidence, I learned from that list, that my own psychiatrist (who I get my antidepressants from...but do not go for counseling sessions anymore) is on it!!!! This was a HUGE shock! In any case, I will not use him...I couldn't ever bear for this nice guy to know I omitted the pill taking from my occasional talks with him. That's why I would never choose counseling with him...it would all become a big lie. And I can't do that. At any rate, I know for certain that this man is NOT just there for the money--he is an incredibly kind fellow, who also treated my mother during her worsening dementia. Unlike other psychiatrists who'd seen her, this one never treated her with less dignity and courteousy, because she was so confused. And my mother was just well enough then to tell him how much that meant to her.

Okay, I'm way off track here again. As usual!! :-) But..your letter made me feel bad for all you are going through....and the last thing you need now is to feel guilty about this small relapse. Stopping drug usage would not be one of the top problems 'round the world if we could just wake up and say "Geesh, WHY am I doing this?? That's it!!!"--and just walk away from it. That's one of the reasons why scientists are trying so desperately to find some alternate drug that helps shift this behavior, without doing other harm. Although, in the end, we need a certain amount of strength to end our drug taking....I believe that our own brain chemistry is a strong factor in how difficult it is to accomplish this. If only we WERE such simplistic beings that we all needed just one path to one resolute solution. That's why it's always tough offering advice to others on this board....the way we vary physically and mentally ensures that for each person--the "best cure" is unique.

Take care and I hope things are easier for you soon, Lynn :-)

[HydroQueen]

"....the things that used to inspire me,get me excited or that I looked forward to all seem remote and distant."

GOOD GOD THERE IS A POWERFUL STATEMENT. I cried when I read it. That really sums this nightmare up for me. Prayers, Cat >..<

[windysan]

Hey B,

Get back on that "recovery horse". It won't be so bad kicking this time....just a case of the opiate flu. I wouldn't go the Subox route.....that's overkill. If you have to then go back to the rehab for a "relapse visit"....most rehabs have them. Next time you go to the dentist make sure you tell him about your love of opiates/benzos. Tell him you want non-narcotic pain relief. Quit today and next week will be better.

good luck