Hydrocodone & Methadone - Help for Wife

[aNewman]

Christin,

Thanks for the encouragement and prayers. As I've read the plight of so many on this board, I too have lifted up prayers for the sufferers and the people that love them.

That's very interesting about generic vs brand...seems like I read something one time that generics had to have an exact amount of the primary drug, but could be within a certain range of the filler. If there's not a difference, it makes you wonder why the generics cost so much less than brand.

Keep praying, I'm sure when she wakes up she's going to want me to get some meds for her. I'm trying to be strong and know the right things to say and do.

Thanks again,

A

[DallasAlice]

Hi again,

Anewman, I'll try and answer your questions about the meth program I'm on...yes, I started at 30 mgs. a day (6 weeks ago), and they increased it by 5 mgs. a day until I hit a point where I felt "normal." By that I mean, I was no longer having thoughts about the hydro and I was not experiencing any withdrawals. I was sleeping through the night, I was in a better mood as so much stress was lifted because I now have some hope in sight (one of my biggest stressors was my debt that I accumulated over the years...about $15,000 in medical bills and pills and all on credit cards!), and I was doing activities--very simple things like going to a movie, taking my kids for a hike, working and then coming home and making dinner and then helping with homework and NOT getting all irritable and stressed about it, but most importantly, not having to take a hydro to do it. I felt like I was finally "living" life, not just surviving it or enduring it. After almost a year and a half, I found myself back to work full time with a chance at getting medical benefits, too! This feeling of "normalcy" hit me at about the 60 mg. dose, and then after several days at that level...bang, breakthrough w/ds hit me, and I wanted a pill soooooo bad. I was completely honest with the clinic doctor, and he began upping me again 5 mgs. a time (at every 10 mgs. you stay there to see if you've "stablized," for example at 60, 70, 80, 90 and then 100 mgs. you stay at that for 3 days and just keep them aware and filled in on how you're doing and what you feel like). I stayed at 100 mgs. for 10 days as I was feeling really good. I wasn't thinking with any of my old thought patterns, but then it happened again--cravings and mild w/ds broke through...like all of a sudden I was back to not sleeping and having lots of headaches and not eating as well as I was and having a total lack of energy. I told the doctor about it, and yesterday he upped me 5 more mgs. for thru the weekend. I will probably go up another 5 on Monday, and then try staying there for awhile.

The first thing with methadone treatment is finding what dose makes you "stable." Once you find that place, then you begin working on other coping skills so when the time comes to taper (if it ever does), then you know what works and what your personal starting and stopping point is. I know 105 mgs. sounds like a lot, but believe me when I say that there are folks there who are in the 200-300 mg. dosing range. I know I'll ever be there, but everybody is different as is their ability to metabolize drugs (that's what the counselor & the dr. told me anyway). I was taking 150 to 200 mgs. of hydro a day, and about 45 to 60 mgs. of a benzo called Tranxene (same family as Xanax...benzodiazepines), and drinking about 4-8 ozs. of alcohol a night. The dr. is aware of all this, and because of the drowsiness meth gives a person, I no longer even want a drink of alcohol or I'd have to go to bed then and there!

As for the benzos, the poster who is telling you that Xanax is some bad stuff and that meth and benzos don't mix is absolutely right! I've been on my Tranxene for 15 years, and I probably don't even need it anymore, so the only reason I'm on it is to avoid the withdrawals. Well, the clinic dr. has cut me back from 3 a day to 2, so I'm at 30 mgs. now, but most of the time I only take one at night which is what he said to do if I can (just enough to keep the complete w/ds at bay and not send me into some downward, spiraling tailspin.) You can't just stop taking benzos abruptly once you're addicted as there is a very high risk of seizures and other things, so the clinic dr. wants me to take it slow and address one thing at a time--the hydro first, the tranxene second, and the alcohol third (which I was drinking mostly just to get to sleep, and I don't need that anymore, so the trickle down effect of being on the meth, for me, has had some added benefits I wasn't expecting).

All in all, I can say I've gone from my original drug story (150-200 mgs. of opiates, the hydros, a day to zero), 45-60 mgs. a day of benzos down to 15-30/day; and from 4-8 ozs. of alcohol a night to about that much in a week. Of course, the added ingredient is now the methadone, so I am struggling with the concept of exchanging one drug for another, but I could no longer keep up the pill seeking, the lies, the money, the suicidal thoughts, the isolation and loneliness, the pretending and trying to keep up the "image," and then finally the thought that this would be my life forever. Things are very much better for me now...a job, sleep, a better mood, no more adding to my debt, just all of it. As far as when it ends, I have no idea...I'm just going with the program and my next step like I said is to get ready to prepare for the emotional aspect as I anticipate going off the meth some day.

Rebecca, I agree with your approach to the meetings! I do need to go and I want to go, so I will go. I plan to just listen and get a feel for the group (and definately I would only consider going to an NA meeting and not an AA one) before I chime in. And when I do chime in, I do feel I have to honest or else it's just more lies and I don't want to lie anymore about any of what I've done or what I'm doing, you know?

In closing, I have to say I agree with the other posters to a degree, too, Anewman...it's time for your wife to be hitting the keyboard and finding the meetings and telling us how she feels. I think it's wonderful that she has you and you are supportive of her decision to quit the drugs...but she's messing with you about the Xanax, I can just tell. One thing addicts learn to do very well is manipulate people...especially those that love them as much as you love her. We tell those who love us what they want to hear so they'll leave us alone while we continue with our pills. Sure she wants to be alone and sleep it off, but that is way too easy and it really doesn't work like that. She needs to face what she's become and put her pride aside and do what you told me when you said your wife would love to be able to sit in a room with a group of people who understand her situation, so she needs to do it--and not for you and not for your marriage, but for herself so she can then include you in her sobriety and work at her marriage as hard as it sounds like you are. You do sound like you have some classic co-dependency issues, and as much as I understand your not wanting to see her in pain or hurting...she's got a lot of work ahead that only she can do herself. You really can't do it for her. You can show her this board and this thread, you can find out where the meetings are, and you can hand her the phone book, but you can't make the call for help for her. I don't mean to sound harsh or anything like that--I wish I had someone on the sidelines cheering me on so I could get the positive feedback and have that feeling that someone was waiting for me when I come home clean...and I think that is all you really can do for her and that is watch and wait until she comes around. You have to do what is best for you right now as her addiction has become your problem, and in all truth...it is her problem, and her problem alone. I hope you won't take anything I've said as defensive or negative...I just feel that you're being "played" in a way and it's unfair to you to not have her doing the work and putting it on your shoulders instead. Thanks for bringing her plight to our attention, and I hope we hear from her sometime, but in the meantime, please do let us know how she's doing...

All my best,

Dallas Alice

[DallasAlice]

Rebecca, I meant to tell you how much I could relate to your story about the hardcore AA guy...I dated a guy once who had past girlfriends who were on antidepressants, and he broke up with them because he felt they weren't honest! He felt that the way they were wasn't "real" by taking them. I asked him, "what if they were the real person they were before and not on any drugs, and then one day something happened or someting in their past caught up to them and they found themselves severely depressed so they were no longer their real selves, and now because of their taking antidepressants, they got back to being their old self--their "real selves' again?" He didn't follow my logic at all, and maybe I am wrong, but I don't think so. I think a person takes antidepressants to get back to the way they were, not to change themselves into someone they're not--what do you think? Well, thanks for your post on the meetings...I'm going to listen to you on that one!

Best wishes and take care,

Dallas Alice

[JenC523]

I am fortunate to have a husband who stuck by me through this nightmare called addiction. When I was reading your posts, I could honestly feel your immense love for your wife.....I am sure she is so very grateful to have your love and support. My husband was my "rock" when I went through the worst parts of it all, and my story is just way too long to get into now. I will share it with you if you think it might help you....but for now...I want to share something else.

When I was using, I became something I couldn't even identify. I was constantly telling stories (excuses), finding ways to keep my supply up, hiding my pills where my husband would never think to look for them, thinking of new (and creative) ways to explain where our money was going, making sure I would have my pills for any event I had to attend...any event...even as small as going to a movie with a friend or my sister...it didn't matter. I could not function without narcotics flowing through my bloodstream. The pills became more important than food, sleep, my health, my job, my friends, my family, and this is the most painful to admit.....more important than my husband and my kids. It doesn't seem possible or logical for someone to put pills ahead of so many of life's gifts and blessings. I didn't do it on purpose, I didn't realize when I started to take my presribed medications for legitimate reasons that I would end up needing those pills as much as I needed air. Your wife is in a situation that I am sure she would have much rather avoided, but it's too late now. She needs to face some real issues. I can tell by your posts that just because she is getting off of the hydrocodone, it doesn't mean she is over the "fight" just yet. Please try to remember something......your wife has been numbing her emotions and feelings for a long time. She doesn't want to feel ANYTHING, especially something that isn't pleasant....she doesn't know how to "feel". She just wants to "avoid", "escape", whatever term you choose to use. Although she loves you dearly, she will lie to you, and make things appear a certain way to you, she will manipulate you. It is so sad, but it is very true.

I have to go for now, but I would like to come back on here later if possible to share some more things with you (if I may). I want to commend you on your commitment to your wife, it is rare these days indeed. However, helping her does not necessarily mean making things easy for her, as hard as it is for you to accept that. I know you want her to get better....I sincerely hope she wants it as badly as you do. I get the feeling she is not ready, but certainly I am not equipped to even make that guess.

I will do anything for you or for her to help you guys through this ordeal. I t sounds like we may have much in common. I have to go for now. Please take care............. Fondly ~ Jen

[aNewman]

Oh Jen, thanks for sharing that with me. I'd love to hear your whole story, especially if it has a happy ending. I will print it and read it to her if you could take the time to post it. I've wanted to get her involved in this board but she has just wanted to stay out of sight to suffer alone.

The closest I can come to relating to all of this is cigarettes. I had smoked on and off since I was a teenager. After being quit for 9 years, I picked it back up while hanging out with a co-worker that smoked. The saying, "You're always a puff away from a pack-a-day" was true for me. That puff caused me to smoke for 5 years. I just quit this past Father's Day as a gift to my family. It seemed easy this time, now that I have a new perspective on addition. The cost, the smell, and my potentially reduced health was as much of a burden on my family as it was on me -- I quit for them!

I feel that each day, I'm faced with decisions about whether to turn left or right. I have to weigh the impact of each decision -- on myself, and sometimes more importantly, those around me. Obviously, drugs impair the normal logic, reasoning, and consequence parts of the brain. That is why addicts need someone who cares. I know you are thankful that your husband was/is there for you.

Looking forward to your story when you have time,

A