IM HOME GUYS! I was standing in front of 100 people on October 20th as my counselor was giving me back to the community and picking up my 30 day chip. My goodbye to the REHAB went something like this: Ive been taking drugs- and drinking for as long as I can remember- Ive been acting SILLY
my entire life. I had no idea I had a fatal disease. When I was growing up I felt "different" from everyone else. Ya know... one step off. When I smoked my first joint, took my first upper, and downer, and had my first drink - I felt NORMAL. My disease called ADDICTION kicked in when I was in Jr. High... I took everything I could get my hands on until I found God when I was in my mid Twenties, and somehow by the grace of God I stopped doing x, coke, and everything else I could take to make me feel quote unquote "NORMAL"
When I was in my mid thirties I had my second child, I had terrible back pain- started taking vics, somas, and ambien and my disease progressed for 3 years and I was up to 20 10/500 Lortabs, 13 Somas, and 5 10mg ambien a day. My life had become unmanagable, I was irritible, restless, and discontent. I had some close calls such as minor car accidents, burning holes in chairs, and blacking out. I was late to work quite often and almost lost a man whom I loved by pushing him out of my life so I could isolate and take my drugs to become uncomfortably numb. I check into LaHa on Oct 19th. After 31 days of detoxing, reconnecting with people from all walks of life, sharing a room, going to Seekers at 6:30 every morning, Big Book meetings, Primary counseling, AA meetings, CA meetings, Doctor visits twice a day, 2 hour recreation, cafeteria food, Serenity Hill, Focus groups, doing my own laundry, hanging out in the But hut smoking cigerettes and laughing harder than I have laughed in years with a bunch of sober people, and outside meetings- I have to say IM CHOOSING LIFE OVER THE ALTERNATIVE. After realizing I am an addict- I have two choices... I can work the steps, attend meetings, help other addicts and alcoholics, meditate and pray, get a sponsor... or I can not choose to do all these things and end up insane or 6 feet under. Ive always considered myself to be an intelligent woman but no one have ever explained the biological aspect of this disease to me (yes, it IS genetic)- shake the family tree, there will be some alcoholics and drug addicts fall out. No one explained to me what to do if I wanted to live- until now. Since Ive been home Ive gone to 3 meetings in two days. I have a temporary sponsor. I am FOCUSED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. There were cutters, heroin addicts, mostly meth addicts and alcoholics, pill users, people who have lost their children, people with Bellmeia,(sorry I spelled that wrong- forgive me), people who lost their homes, people who have lived under bridges, people who were 14, people who were 63 years old, there were people who live in mansions, people as far away as Ohio, and Michigan, there was a girl who will be on the Dr. P show, lots of benzo heads- every walk of life you can imagine. But in a meeting of about 100 people- you ask them if they used when life was good they said yes, did you use when you lost your job, yes, did you use when you got a promotion, yes, did you use when you were in pain, yes, when you were feeling great, yes, when you broke up with someone, yes, when you were in the best relationship of your life, yes. Get my point? If you are an addict you are an addict, and there is no human who can restore us to sanity. My detox was hard. They gave me Phenobab for the first few days, and
bentyl, clonidine, quinine, and ativan. I was slugish and unable to attend classes the first few days. Then they put me on SUBOXONE. It makes a dead man walk. I was all over campus just introducing myself and just as happy as can be. I was on 6 mg for 2 days, then 4 for 2 days then 3, then two, then 1 mg for two days and when I stopped the Sub I was in REALLY BAD SHAPE for 7 days. Your brain tells your body you are dying so you will take more opiates. It was classic text book symtoms.... sore throat, headache, diarriea, chills, fever, skin crawling, body aches, head feels like it's on fire. I never believed all the "stuff" people told me about hydro and how bad the detox would be and it would last up to a year... THEY WERE ALL CORRECT. Benzo and Hydro detox is the WORST ever. Altough there were some coke addicts and meth addicts who will say different. The doctors said hydro and benzos where the ones with the long term body aches. I had pencil pupils for 4 weeks! My pupils are still not getting as big as they used to.
I have so many medical, spiritual, and lifes experiences to talk about! I want to say hi to everyone individually, as well as talk about reuniting with my kids when I got home and what I ended up telling them instead of telling them I had back surgery- I told them the truth.. I got reconnected with God, and I found out I was allergic to meds and they took me off of everything safely and they gave me the knowledge of how to stay off the pills.
The stats are astonishing of the relapses of people who get treatment. I will post all those later, as well as telling of the great lengths people went through to get loaded while they were in treatment. It's late and I will post tomorrow. It's great to be back. I lost my desire to take drugs and drink although the triggers are crazy around my house. Ive had dreams of finding "just one" pill in my house somewhere. And Ive had dreams of closing the medicine cabinet. I have a list of the safe meds you can take, and what is unsafe. I have an addiction specialist Im going to see from now on. So many life changes. I missed all of you so much and wanted to say thanks for thinking of me while I was gone, and thank you if anyone was praying for me, I needed the support and love you for it.
Oh ! Forgot to tell yall I went to the PHARMACY right when I got home to pick up some Tylenol, Robaxin (safe) and some Ibprophen and I told them to mark it on my file I am ALLERGIC to ALL NARCODICS, hydro, somas, and ambien. I wasent going to so I could have my OUT, but God took over me and the words just came out.
I never knew there was a disease where having to pray each day was one of the requirements to live.. but there is. And I feel pretty special because I was a selfish, self centered person walking through life wanting to get high all the time, I prayed but I did not have a relationship with God. Now am spiritual.
With much love, and missing everyone so much,
Sara
Re: Goodbye Everyone! Im Off to Rehab!
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