Anxiety has destroyed my life

[Man Apart]

As far back as I can remember, anxiety has been a huge part of my life. It has influenced every major decision and ultimately dictates most of them. I cant explain why I have such a abnormal level of anxiety whenever I try to take a big step in my life. I couldnt stay in college. I cant hold a public job. I couldnt date. I cant go to family events on holidays and birthdays. Cant spend time with my family. Can barely go to the store or to a movie. Whenever I try to enter a stressful situation, I cant seem to fight the anxiety. It just disables me completely, mentally and physically and just wont let go no matter how calm i try to mak emyself, how safe i try to make myself feel, how determined i try to be. Doesnt matter, it just wont let me.

For the last 6 months, I saved and planned a trip overseas to meet someone that I fell inlove with. I was never more determined and sure about something in my life. I wanted change in my life. I wanted to feel alive, I wanted to do this so bad. 6 months of saving, planning, being in a happy relationship. It all went down the drain a few days ago. The day before my flight, the anxiety took control over me. I tried to fight it, more than i ever had in my life. I was packing my clothes and it jus seems like the more i packed the worst it got. Every hour it just got worst and worst. I was doubled-over my desk feeling like someone was jus choking me trying to make me give in. And finally that night I did. I had to. I couldnt go even if I wanted to. The pain was too severe.

It was suppose to be the best day of my life and turned into the worst day in my life. All in one day I lost 1500 dollars on a plane ticket, lost all my dreams of a better life, and the girl i fell inlove with for the last 6 months. And I cant explain to her why.

For months Ive been trying to get help from doctors. But I think I realize now, noone can really help me. Doctors really dont care. I feel like I just am better off trying to make the best out of my life and adapt to my illness and cope best i can, if i can. Ive been on every SSRI there is. Ive taken only a few anti anxiety meds like buspar and hydroxyzine. Ive tried OTC stuff like valerian. Ive had counselors, cognitive behavior therapy, group therapy, even priests. Ive taken alot of things, researched and invested alot of time and money in it. In the last couple months I made appointments with 6 different psychiatric doctors, and they all basically said the same thing. They cant help me. I guess you have to be kicking and screaming and just bent out of shape for them to give you anything that is really effective. I guess its just the way I was made. And just have to live isolated like this forever.

You know, for years I beat myself up and blame myself for the way my life turned out. And I wanted to just beat myself up for not getting on that plane. But I cant anymore. I really cant sit here and fault myself. Its not a weakness in character. Its not about being strong and having fortitude. I have done everything I could possibly do. I just cant defeat it. I have no control over how I feel, or my emotions, or my thoughts. I have absolutely no control over a significant part of my brain. The part that dictates how I handle adversity and fear. Its not my fault.

It took everything from me. All my dreams. My goals. My life. Is there really no way to overcome it?

[Barrie]

Well all i can say is your not alone,

you sound pretty much like myself i but ive been a little lucier than yourself as i am married and have only had anxierty and panic ataks for 2.5 years so i know pretty much how you feel. It has gotten so bad the last 5 months that i cant even go get my bloody hair cut and over the last 3 weeks i havnt been to work its like a pain of glass or just the last step that is always hard to take and as we all know it aint easy its bloody hard. The other thing we tend to do is talk a lot about it to other people that dont understand and it tends to pee them of a bit so we are limited to whom we can talk to. my doc prescribed me zoloft which helped for a while and then stoped working but i dont think taking ad,s is the be all and end all i got of them cold turkey and boy o boy that nearly killed me. I am constantly searching for better ways to improve myself but i can tell you it aint easy belive me. anyway try to chill out a bit and think of the nice things in life as i try to ..... good luck

barrie

[chriscwharris]

Hi, I know what you mean, it's pants. I've had anxiety since May 2002, joined these forums soon after and they've helped on occassions. Justsharing feelings etc.. helped me realise I wasn't alone in this.

I struggle through most days at the moment, initially when it all kicked off I couldn't leave the house let alone go to work!

I'm going through a bit of a relapse at the moment, had 5 or 6 weeks of raised anxiety with the usual dizzyness, palpitations, chest pains, arm pain and generally feeling pretty crap.

I've not slept properly in weeks and feel pretty weak and tired everyday, by 4pm I'm yawning! Since yesterday I've been getting muscle cramping sensations in my arms, legs, ankles, back you name it. I went to the doc who took some bloods to check for a few things.

There are days when I really feel like I can't carry on, the start of this week for example I went into a depressive state, couldn't see an end to all this, felt like I was ruinging my familes lives. I've kinda snapped out of it a bit but I still can't see the end.

2 1/2 years ago this started, after I accepted it was anxiety I assumed I could be back to my old self in a year or so. No chance! This is a long battle, maybe I won't ever be the person I was, but I'm going to keep trying. The thing that gets me the most is that I'm an intelligent person, I understand my problem, know what the causes are etc.... but I can't keep it under control as it just jumps out when you least expect it. There are times when I have been feeling pretty good then boom! out of the blue I have a PA.

Hang in there, I know what it feels like to be right down in the dumps, but you can get through it.

[tooanxious]

The one thing I noticed about my anxiety and this might pertain to you is that is seems to have momentum of its own after a while and it takes a while to break it. You just have to make small changes here and there and over months and maybe even years you will be cured. It cant all be done at once. I have been working on changes in my life and only recently after like three months have my anxiety levels finnally dropped a bit.

Well just dont get down. The worst thing anxiety does is make you feel like you have no control. In actuality you have a lot more control over it then you think.

[Myzen]

Originally Posted by tooanxious

The worst thing anxiety does is make you feel like you have no control. In actuality you have a lot more control over it then you think.

I've read these posts with a feeling of understanding and familiarity. I've done 35 years with panic disorder. At times, in the early days, I thought it was going to finish me, but another day always came along. I have felt exactly like Man Apart and have lost jobs, relationships, all sorts of things to the illness.

But, I've also held down a marriage, have a lovely daughter and finally I did manage to take my life back. Anxiety is an implacable enemy, and no mistake, but it doesn't win all the battles.

Good luck, Man Apart, I hope this gets better for you.

Myzen,