Down & Out

[kiehn]

It seems Im so negative about everything but maybe I just dont know
how to deal witht he stress of everything that's happened the last few
years. I was diagnoised 12 years ago and been on many different meds
but usually alway ended back on Lithium, now the Lithium is not working.
I just started Trileptal it seems like there been some difference but the
anger and lashing out has turned to tears. Tears that fall so fast I cant
stop and often take a shower to hide them. I realized everyone has
their own problems but Im to the point that life is miserable, there is
no joy, only one problem after another. Then there's the intrusive thoughts
or psycosis I fight every waking moment. If Im not telling myself these
thoughts are not real, far fetched, twilight zone, Im wondering if possibly
they are true. I hate life, living, it's horrid, not just for myself but for
others in my family I watch family suffering from physical pain and others
suffering from the same illiness I have. Most of our extended family
dont understand nor do they want to so there's very little support from
family. Ive tried to estabish support thru a couple of friends but they
dont seem to be interested either. I dont even know why Im writing
other then put words to these tears that I can only guess is my way
of releasing the hurt and pain within. Everyday I say it will get better
but it never does. I try to have faith but it only takes a small crisis
to crush it. What worse is if I express to others how Im feeling they
dont want to be around me, but when I try to be positive they still
dont seem to want anything to do with me. Has anyone ever been
here, will it ever get better, please dont preach about how much
God cares cause I lost faith in him a while ago.
Down & out

[mudhound]

well, If you have lost your faith in him them just know that others do care. Myself included. There are others out there too.
Just look out there. There will be rays of sunshine. It's just that sometimes we have to look behond the clouds to see it.

[kiehn]

Thanks for your advice.
kiehn

[kiehn]

It all sounds sooooo familiar. This has always been a hard time of the year
for me and having med problems only makes it worse. I wasnt always a fast cycler but it seems I have been lately. I completely understand what your saying regarding Family reactions. Everyone else can have emotions of joy, anger, upset or times of frustrations and it's normal but when I do, Im having a bipolar episode. It's like I cant have human emotions without them be classed as a bipolar outbreak. Yes I know Im depressed and Ive told my doc but based on my extreme senitivity to meds she felt it best to introduce one med at a time which makes sense doesnt help the depression.
I feel Im jumping around a bit in my response but at times I feel like m fighting depressed on a race track. I used to think my family would be so hurt if I was gone. Now I think after they got over the intital hurt they would be better off. I dont plan to take my own life I just often wish for death to be rid of all the pain I dont seem to be able to bear. I even feel guilty for being feeling so negative on this board. I guess the only positive aspect is that sometimes it helps for others to know they're
not alone when it comes to feeling this way. Is that something like misery loves company, somehow I dont find that vert very encouraging. Well Thanks for your
repsonse at least I know Im not alone. I do hope you get feeling better and wishing
everyone a wonderful holiday season.

[KikiMonique]

I don't have much experience as diagnosed, although I have suffered from the disorder since my teens. Unfortunately, it is now 20 years later. I do know the hopeless feeling of wishing I would just die to make the suffering end. Prior Doctors had me on antidepressants, which made me fall into a pit I didn't think I'd ever get out of...plus they made me gain weight

I thought I was going to die from despair, and I actually left my husband trying to blame it on him. Once I was properly diagnosed, and started taking meds, my mind cleared, I felt better, stopped sleeping all day, and was able to function again. My relationship with my husband has improved and I'm almost ready to move back...once I figure out the lease problem!

I still cycle fairly rapidly, but not as severely. I wish for you that you can find the ladder out of the pit soon.

Be well