On November 7th I had the worst anxiety attack in my life. It never became more apparent to me how severely ill I was until that day. Its frightening. My anxiety was spawn from the fact that the next day I was suppose to board a $1300.00 flight to the Philippines to meet a woman I fell deeply inlove with and known for almost a year now. I spent 8 months saving and sacrficing for this trip. Trying to believe in myself. I felt like it would be a life changing experience that would lead to something greater. But that day became the worst day of my life. I lost her, the money, hopes, dreams, everything. I couldnt even pack my clothes. The anxiety was so immense. The fear overcame me.
Its unfair. But life isnt fair, I know. Its like something apart of me I cant change or control. How can it be so severe. I dont know why it happens to me. I cant explain it or describe it. Even thinking about the trip unnerves me. I don't have a fear of flying. Dont have a fear of meeting her and her family. Dont have a fear of being in another country. I dont fear getting lost. Maybe the length of the trip bothers me, or becoming homesick, and also maybe a fear of change in my life. Because she will drastically change every aspect of my life. A life of isolation, avoiding anything that causes fear and anxiety. But overall I know theres nothing really to fear about going there. Its like a fantasy trip. Going to a beautiful island to meet a beautiful girl. But I couldn't. Even despite my love for her and my desire to be with her. I coulnd't. The fear and anxiety strangled me.
I rebooked my flight for Janurary. Ive never wanted to do something so badly than this. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life is listen to her cry when I told her I couldnt come that day. She forgave me. And after that, I got a surge of confidence and determination. Tried to set my mind that I wouldnt let the anxiety defeat me and tried to put that day behind me. But last night, it came back. I feel it again. The same feelings I had leading up to the day of my flight. I remember now how intense it was. And now I fear I wont be able to make it in Janurary. I promised her, and I dont want to give up. But I dont know how to fight it. I dont want to hurt her again.
It doesnt help fighting it does it? In essence you cant. My love for her is great. But fear is perfect it seems. It comes and goes as it pleases. Was I born this way? As far back as I can remember Ive always had theses feelings. It has destroyed my life. It came to me again last night. And I feel it today. The anxiety. It has a firm and dominant control over me, my mind, emotions, thoughts, and life. Anytime Ive ever tried to make a big decision or take a big step in life, its always there. It never fails to show up. Its always on time. Everytime Ive applied for a job, or tried to go to college. But I cant hold a job. I cant go to school. I can barely go to the movies or grocery store. Its crippling. It makes decisions for me. I can only escape it when Im here, in my little room everyday away from anything remotely stressful.
What will it take? What can I do? I have to get on that plane in Janurary. But nothing has changed. I know itll be there waiting for me. Consuming me. And once again defeating me. What a awful illness. The mental and physical symptons are so extreme and excessive. My stomach just goes haywire. Its like having a billion butterflies in there. The anxiety is overwhelming it takes your breath away. I remember trying to pack my clothes and I was doubled over my bed crying. Picking up my clothes and putting it into the suitcase was like trying to shovel bricks. It was like being beaten down and beaten down until I let go. Until I let go of my dream. Until I let go of her. Until I let go of my ticket. Until I let go of everything. I dont understand it. It just got worse and worse. The moment I gave in the death grip it had on me loosen. I just dont understand. Why. Why is this happening to me. It doesnt matter knowing consciously theres nothing to be afraid of. Of course I know there isnt. But somehow the anxiety puts the fear in you. And worst of all, it doesnt tell me what I fear, so I cant really know what makes me feel this way. Its not really anything specific. It just makes the whole trip in some way in my mind turns it into this burden, or doomed event. To the point where im so filled with anxiety it makes the trip feel like something I dont look forward to and just want to get over with, than something beautiful, and exciting, and something I cant wait to experience.
The biggest hurdle is getting on the plane. I feel like once Im on the plane Ill be fine. Maybe. But even that Im not sure of. I remember when I went to college, my first day, I was a nervous wreck. But once I got there and sat in the room, I was fine. But somehow the monkey finds its way back onto your back. Cos I lost every memory of the fact that there was nothing to fear, and I never went back another semester because of the anxeity.
What can I do. I wish there was something. I have a month to perform a miracle. I would do anything to get on that plane. But when your being physically and mentally attacked and your body is riddled with anxiety, it has nothing to do with having strength and courage or the will to fight it. I can't. Or I just dont know how. And Im hoping against hope that someone can help me. I have to do this. I cant let fear and anxiety possess my life. I cant let it dominate and degrade my existence. Flushing out every goal, dream and aspiration I have. I love her. She saved my life. She took me out of the darkness I was in before. Love is a powerful emotion, but so is fear. And fear is always close and convienant. I should fear hurting her more than fear getting on that plane and making her happy. But, thats the funny thing about fear, its perfect.
For the next month. I dont know what I can do. I dont know what to do. I dont know what posting this will help. I just need people to talk to. I just know that there are people out there that have been where I am, and some are there now. I need help. The quality of my life has been destroy all because of anxiety. If anyone can help me for the next month, I will be in debt to you for life. I know Im asking for a miracle. I just need advice, help, strategy, anything. Mentally I think Ive made it bigger than it really is and worse than it should even be. But I cant turn back the time. I cant change it, its there. I need to defeat the anxiety. Right now its hard for me to even think about Janurary. But Im desperate and I want to get on that plane. I have to. Everything depends on it. Id rather die than to let anxiety defeat me again.
Desperately trying to defeat anxiety... Please help
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