Fell Off the Wagon Again

[sk777]

Where on earth does that phrase "off the wagon" come from anyway???

The first few times I blamed my lack of internet access, but last night, even while reading and posting I planned to take a pill. I won't get addicted again I told myself.

I'm mad at myself today for giving in, so maybe I won't get addicted again, but that desire is still strong in me. I've even been craving hydro which I haven't done since March.

I want to be clean, I want to be good, but I get so scared of pain of not sleeping of not being able to function (like I function so well as an addict!!).

It's a really stressful week for me and my back is killing me and I've got a low level migraine and no migraine meds and no money to buy more. And I'm dealing w/ anxiety from tapering off metoprolol which was supposed to help w/ the migraines but just made me depressed. EXCUSES! I know, I hear it, but somehow last night I rationalized it.

Now I'm just tired and anxious, and now really late for work.

[KFld]

I know this is easy for me to say, because I'm not the one with the addiction, my son is, but can you just reread what you just wrote and how unhappy your taking that pill made you feel. It didn't make anything better, but made it worse. I'm sure you took it to feel better, but it didn't work. Don't kick yourself, keep going forward from here

[Benthere]

sk777
Please hang in there some days are hard. But tomorrow brings hope.
If you need to drink a few beers and eat. It works for me. I havn't told that yet,
but maybe nows the time.

[Kflyinright]

sk - I can so relate to your post and I really hope you are doing better when you read the replies, and decided not to give in to the hydro. I already have one in my night cocktail of meds because my abdomen and back are killing me, and of couse (you guessed it) to feel nothing -numb - sleep (insert desired feeling here)
As of now I am still torn about my choice of taking it or not to take it. Yesterday I made it through with none, praise Jesus - why not try a second day as to not continue my relapse. Your remark as 'functioning well as an addict' made me smile - that is exactly what I would say! I felt good, I was productive but can you picture a manequin doing so? That's what it felt like - not sure how it was with you. I like what Kfld said, and was thinking just how temporary taking these pills really can be - temporary solitude, temporary euphoria - only to take more, and get even more addicted - whatever your drug of choice. Grrrr! lol

It really isn't funny, however, it just bites me in the arse sometimes when I think - ok, Jane and John can do life without being an addict - so what makes me think I cannot? Or anyone else for that matter!

Hang in there Let us know how it goes sk.

[bent_halo]

Don't beat yourself up....just get back on that wagon!!!

I have almost 3 months clean from the lortab and let me tell you, STILL, if it was here in front of me, I couldn't say no, I truly think, even after the hell of withdrawl, I would do it without thinking and beat myself to death later....

For me, I use my kids, when the craveing get soooo bad, I just walk in thier room and look at their faces, having to come clean to them, kids ages 17 16 13 and 10, was worse than anything I have ever done in my life, I am literaly all the have....Maybe you can find one person, a spouse?, a friend?, a family member, even if you can't admit to them, maybe just knowing how they would feel if they knew?...this way, when the craveings are killing you, you can just look at them and say..." I can't do this for me, I AM an addict, but for _______, I CAN"...

We are ALL here for you...just remember...one day one hour one minute clean is a HUGE victory!!!...cmon now we know you can do it!!!!!

Angel